The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VI

"Hilarious"

Louis C.K. Pretty funny.

No, not the Louis C.K. movie, but the usage of the word. Usually, when you listen to people tell stories about a funny thing that happened at ... actually, I forget where it happened, but something happened that was hilarious, but hardly a laugh is had while telling the events which occurred. This is also a word used in response given after listening to a funny (at best) story. Again, by the respondent, boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter there is not . The problem is that if something is actually so funny that people enter a state of hilarity, 
it would be nearly impossible to actually
utter any four syllable word.


I'm not trying to be clever or ironic by saying this, but I take comedy seriously. If I say something funny or entertaining, I don't want to hear "that's hilarious" unless tears, absence of breath, and side-splitting laughter is also involved. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being pandered to. Don't get confused though. Of course the word should still be used, but let's not cheapen that which is truly hilarious.


2010 response: I've actually abused this word plenty. Also, "Well, I don't know about 'hilarious'..."


2011 response: Properly use the word as well as petition Louis C.K to name his stand-up special "Pretty Funny".

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part III-V

Duck Face, Deuce-Chucking, and High-Angle Pictures

These three phauxto pas (faux pas + photo...no?) are inseparable. With the craze of Myspace sweeping the world and digital cameras becoming readily available to the masses, a triage of digital stupidity was born. It'll be great to see these things die when 2010 expires.


Duck Face
Ladies, you're already pretty enough without having to subject yourself to pursing your lips to the extreme at which you look like you have a duck's bill attached to your face. Secondly, and this may come as a shock to you, guys don't care about your lips. We don't for the most part. And if we ever mention a gal's lips, it is 100% of the time associated with a particular activity. No, not kissing, but the other one. That's the message you really want to convey? Then don't be so prudish when the topic comes up. (No pun.)


Guys, if you're doing this, the same goes for you. Sure, you're pretty enough not to have to subject yourself to jutting our your lips like a cartoon, but I was talking about the second point I made above. You are sending that message out to other guys. If that upsets you, stop pulling that ridiculous face.


Deuce-Chucking
Extending the second and third digits and keeping the finger tips pointed upward, flexing the remaining three, while showing the palm side of the hand once stood for peace or victory here in the US. Keeping the same finger posture, exposing the dorsum of the hand while rotating it medially now stands for douchebag. Stop. Just stop it. There is no message there. If you're trying to show that you're having a good time and you are with some cool people, we get it. We can see your sideways hat, sunglasses indoors, and beer pong or flip cup game in the picture, too. Admit it. You saw someone else do that and you wanted your MySpace / Facebook pictures to be popular, too. 


Sadly, to at least one person, throwing up deuces is awesome enough to tattoo on yourself. Twice.


High-Angle Pictures

You think you're either being artsy, fooling people, or both. 








You aren't.




2010 response: Ridicule, insulting, and self-removal from MySpace and Facebook.


2011 response: Ignore and continue being removed from MySpace and Facebook.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part II

Front-Tucked Shirts

The people who purposely don this atrocious and moronic guise of fraternity have no clue that tucking in their shirt only in the front is the fashion equivalent of the mullet: business in the front; party in the back. Are they trying to show off their plain brown or black belt with silver buckle, most likely purchased at The Buckle? Or is it the jewel-encrusted skull and crossbones buckle that doubles as a flask / lighter / bottle-opener that is meant to be the focus of attention? God forbid the buckle is a digital scrolling marquee! Let me let you in on a little secret, front-tuckers. You look like an idiot and no one cares about your belt.

How all of this started, I have no clue. But I do know that it dies with 2010.

2010 response: "Are you really that lazy?", "Did you forget about the
rest of your shirt?", or I would just untuck the tucked-in portion of the shirt.

2011 response: Pity.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part I

Preface:

For longer than I can remember, little things have bothered me more than any normal person would allow anything to bother them. These little things were catch phrases, fashion blunders, and idiosyncrasies; nothing big. As time went on, more things were added to my list of annoyances. Now, things are just out of hand. It's hard to function as a member of society in a polite and accommodating manner when all these nuances of day-to-day popular culture keep creeping into my brain and irritating the most primitive parts of my grey matter causing my vision to turn red and making by blood pressure to be in the neighborhood of 200/140.

So, I've decided to let go of all these things by the end of 2010.* Before I let them die with 2010, I've decided to make a list of them and explain why each one bothers me.

And so the list begins.


"Epic"

Now that our world is becoming a jumbled mess of communication by means of a broadband Internet connection, often in an anonymous or semi-anonymous setting, we have become overly exaggerative. I remember a time when everyday phenomena were measured incrementally. F'rinstance: neat, cool, awesome, unbelievable / lame, horrible, sucky, awful. Now-a-days it seems that everything is "Epic Win/Fail". Well, it isn't you overdramatic, anonymous nerds. "Epic" should only be used in the most extraordinary of events, both good and bad. I wouldn't consider an iPhone app having a few operational glitches an Epic Fail in the same way as taking home a pre/post-op transgender and having some romantic exchanges. And to make that senario even more "Epic", no alcohol would be involved. That's "Epic", friends.

2010 response: "How is that 'Epic'? Was it really so amazing? You've never seen anything this unbelievable?"

2011 response: "Epic? Okay."or completely ignored.


*By "let go" I mean that I won't cope with each loathsome quirk in the same way that I always have.


Update:


As it turns out, I'm not the only one to be bothered by the common usage of this word. Lake Superior State University has published a list of Banished Words for 2011. I'm glad there are others out there that are making an effort to make conversation more tolerable and intelligent in our future. Thanks, LSSU.

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today...

As 2010 comes to a close, a year in which I obtained three other very important certifications in the field of education and licensure, I felt it necessary to add one more title to my already impressive list of credentials: Ordained Minister. November 14, in the year of our Lord / Lords / lack of Lord(s), 5771 (Jewish calendar) / 2010 (Roman Catholic), marks the day I became an official ordained minister by way of the Universal Life Church Monastery.

If I had to guess, I would bet that you are wondering how I found the time to go through the rigors of becoming an ordained minister. Well, my friends, all I can say is that when I'm passionate enough about something I go headlong into it, full bore. I'm so passionate and dedicated to this field of study that while writing this blog post I became ordained again! See? This time I studied at the prestigious Open Ministry.

My intent isn't to come off as a braggart, my dear friends. Truthfully, I only want to rub your nose in my awesomeness a little. Maybe something close to 7%-10%. The remainder of my intent is to inspire you to achieve greatness, too. (Also, I'd like to marry a couple. I think that would be a great deal of fun.) So, go out there and make your dreams come true. Anything is possible, my flock, because we are all Children of the Universe.

Do the [De]Evolution

No matter to what extent that you agree with Darwin and his Theory of Evolution, to say that no such thing exists, even in a much more limited sense, is foolish. In other words, believing all life on this planet is as it was on the day of its creation is extremely myopic. That isn't to say that one must accept the notion that all life originated from a single celled organism which eventually lead to much more complex species. It is in this vein that I offer a theory that just as a creature can evolve to be more advanced and genetically stronger, the obverse is also possible.

In the Theory of Evolution, "survival of the fittest" is a phrase used to describe how a species passes on only the most useful of genetic information in order to advance future generations of the same species. Those members who posses inferior or weaker genetic traits, such as being slower, weaker in strength and immunity, less inventive, even less colorful or coordinated, either aren't chosen as mates or don't survive long enough to mate, thus not passing along their genetic make up. This effectively strengthens the available genes and in turn, strengthens the species. There is a downside to this, potentially. When a species advances so far beyond its surroundings, it eventually winds up at the top of the food chain in its ecosystem, or in the case of humans, at the top of the food chain all together. Due to the lack of predators and the increase in available food and safety, the idea of survival of the fittest no longer applies to man. Rather, "procreation for all" seems to be a better fit for our current situation. As a result, we have an endless supply of dummy-dunces who are perfect reality TV cast members.

This decline in genetic greatness is brilliantly portrayed in "Idiocracy". On the surface, the movie is a comedy. Look a little deeper and you can see the foreshadowing of a tragedy. Listen to people speak. Read the emails and texts you send and receive. Look around at the marquee signs as you drive through town. Can you see any evidence that we are, as a generation, becoming a little dim? The reduction of brainpower is gaining speed at an alarming rate. But, it doesn't have to.

Now, I don't mean to take a clandestine tone or berate the populous for not caring about the English language as much as I do, nor do I want to give anyone the impression that I am more important/vital/learned, etc...than anyone else. What I would like my point to be is a call to arms, so to speak. Let us not continue on this decline in intellectualism. Let's all read something, write something, create, discuss something. Anything.
                                                           There is still time to right the ship.

Hip to be Square

The card readers.

There seems to be a new trend in doing business. The era of being a huge, faceless conglomerate with plans of global domination and board members whose pockets swell with cash aren't coming to an end anytime soon...but there is something new on the horizon. The halcyon days of doing business face-to-face, standing by your word, and having no hidden agenda or costs aren't lost forever. In fact, I've noticed an upswing in good, honest businesses doing good, honest business. A great deal of these ventures are start-ups who have the freedom to set the goal of helping people first and being profitable second. One of my favorite of such businesses is Square.

Without rehashing all of the company's details, I'll briefly provide a synopsis: A man by the name of Jack Dorsey, who also had his hand founding another quite successful business called
Twitter, noticed a gap between an artist friend of his and customers. Jim McKelvey, the artist friend, was trying to sell some pieces but had to turn away potential buyers because he had no way to accept credit cards. The cost involved with owning, leasing, or renting a credit card reader alone can be a couple hundred dollars or more and that doesn't include the processing fees. This led Jack to the conclusion that people should have access to a credit card reader in a much more cost effective and less cumbersome fashion. Enter: Square.

Square fits into the headphone jack of iPhones, iPod Touches, iPads, and Android phones. After applying for a card reader, which involves providing some relevant personal data, and downloading the Square app to your respective device, you are ready to go. Well, almost. There is an approval period for your application as well as shipping time for your card reader. But after that, you will have a new world of financial independence opened for you. The best part of all of this is the app, the reader, the application process, the shipping, EVERYTHING is free. Square costs nothing to own. The only costs is 2.75% plus 15 cents per swiped transaction; .75% higher for keyed-in transactions. That's it.

App user interface.

Where I see this having a huge impact, beyond independent artists and street vendors having an increase in revenue, is giving 20-somethings the ability to strengthen their financial stability. Have you ever gone to lunch with someone who forgot their wallet and you had to pay for everything? I have. And sometimes I forgot or felt too awkward to say anything about being payed back or the friend didn't have cash on him to pay me back when he got back to his wallet. Another personal instance where I could have benefitted by having a Square card reader is when I was in Chiropractic school I designed and sold hoodies and shirts because I didn't like what the school was selling or the price at which they were selling it. I couldn't take credit cards and people forgot to bring cash with them next time they saw me. I lost out on several hundred dollars in sales because of this.* Now, as a Chiropractor, I'm able to see patients on house calls with no problem. No checks to write. No trips the the ATM. The patients just go to their pocketbooks or wallets, pick a card, and I swipe it. When a patient needs me to come to them, the last thing they need is more layers of complication. This allows
a whole new freedom for them as well as me. 


Everything about Square can be found on their site. They are completely transparent; nothing to hide. I've been nothing short of thrilled with my experience with using their product and services. It's because of their new way of doing business the old-fashioned way I can do my part in doing the same. I'm a new doctor who does old fashioned house calls because of Square. 

I encourage everyone to apply for a Square card reader and account. Whether you are someone with forgetful friends, an artist, in a band, a computer tech, a dog-walker, a babysitter, or sell things on Craigslist, your life will be simplified as a result of taking credit cards on your smart device.

*I wound up selling all but maybe 20 or so hoodies, but it took much longer and I had to lug several large, heavy boxes around as a result.


UPDATE: Last week I received an email from Square that my new, updated Square card reader was being shipped to me. After opening the package, I noticed the updates to this version included a glossy finish, rounded back, forward-angled reader head, and iPhone 4 connectivity resolve. While the older version reader worked perfectly for me, Square saw it fit to ship me another reader. This further proves that their business practices are outstanding. Thanks, Square. Thanks for everything.