The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XI

"That's like that episode of Family Guy when..."


It's easy to say that anything is just like something that happened on "Family Guy". Not because the show is so clever or well written, rather because it's a cartoon. It's fiction. The writers and animators can just make up anything. But it seems more commonplace to hear someone relating their actual life or reality to a cartoon.

I understand that this happened with "The Simpsons" and "South Park" too and now it's just time for the next animated successor to be the resource of material in conversation.

Even though in my opinion, the show has gotten lazy over the years, I'm not against the show. I am against people having a shortage of references. A cartoon shouldn't be the go-to topic of conversation or source of reference when in discussion. There is more out there than a 6-minute long battle between Peter and a human-sized chicken.

2010 response: Constrained annoyance after the fifth mention of the show from a single person in a single day.

2011 response: I won't care anymore. Tell me everything about Peter and the crazy things Stewie does.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part X

Popped Collars

Just let it go, guys. It's time. It's actually well beyond its expiration date. Few things you say or do can possibly tell people more about you than being seen with your raised collar. And what you're telling people isn't good.

Of course, there are a few exceptions to raising one's collar. So, to help someone quickly decided whether or not they should have an erect collar, I made a flow chart. It's simple enough to follow.

My final point on this matter is that under no circumstances will it ever be acceptable to wear multiple collared shirts and have the collars raised. Not even on Halloween, not even as a joke, not even as a character in a play. Never. It's just too soon. Maybe in 20 years, we can remember the 2000s, but for now we just need to forget about all of this mess.

2010 response: I would lower the offender's collar or point out how ridiculous they look.

2011 response: I won't even be able to bring myself to engage in conversation with such a person. If they cannot take themselves seriously, why should I have to?

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part IX

Convoluted Handshakes


2010 marks the last year that I will willingly participate in silly handshaking. Multiple steps, snapping, rotations, gyrations, wiggles, waggles, and the the like are being shelved indefinitely. (Just to be clear, this is about handshakes only. The "Top Gun" or windmill high five is still happening.)

I miss the standard handshake. To me, it's a sign of decency and maybe even a window into the inner-workings of the person with whom I'm shaking hands. Furthermore, when pertaining to a male, I see it as manly. A proper, firm handshake is like a Zippo lighter, a pocketknife, a beard, or black coffee.

So, goodbye slick, cool, chill, bro-man handshakes. You're time is coming to an end. From here on out, it's proper handshakes only. Well, I suppose the
forearm grip / Beastmaster handshake is acceptable as well.

2010 response: I participated in convoluted handshaking.

2011 response: I will abruptly halt inappropriate handshaking.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VIII

"That's what she said."


Answer one question for me. Who is she?


You can't. She doesn't exist. There is no "she". And if a she did exist, she didn't say that. She would never say something like that.


The phrase is unoriginal, overused, juvenile, and just not clever. Responding to nearly any and all comments with "That's what she said" hasn't been funny for quite a while. In my opinion, it ranks up there with "I know you are, but what am I?", "Nuh-uh. You are.", and "You're mom." I think it's time we move on from dick jokes, too. All of this just takes no brain power to come up with. It makes for poor conversation.

Am I coming off as high-and-mighty? Well, I'm not. I grew up watching "Bevis and Butthead", but I also used to pull girl's ponytails and make armpit fart noises, too.  And yes, I love watching "The Office". But watching Michael get no response when he uses his favorite catch phrase is classic. It's a very subtle message the writers are sending out to America. "That's what she said" isn't funny anymore.

So, 2010, I hope you've enjoyed the TWSS run. But, it's all over come January 1, 2011.

2010 response: "Who is 'she' again?" "No she didn't."


2011 response: No reply. No smiling. No acknowledgment to the comment. Serious reconsideration of my relationship with the offender.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VII

Portions of Kevin Rose


Not actual portions of Kevin Rose, rather the sillier aspects of his public life. Let me explain. I'll make it short.


For a while now, I've looked up to Kevin for quite a few reasons. He was a kid working at TechTV making six figures then decided to start his own company. One company turned in to several. He became an angel investor in a few successful companies and an advisor in a few more companies. Podcasts, websites, educating people about tea, the fact he dated Sarah Lane, and several other things were strengths to the Rose empire. Then, he became a child.


It's been no secret that Rose enjoys beer nor is it hidden from the public eye that he enjoys making sport of beer swilling. We've all witnessed or participated in these games. The beer bottle bottom-to-top explosion game, chugging time trials, even Edward 40 Hands. All of this was supposed to happen while in college or at college age. Kevin's nearly 35. Enough already. But let's say that Rose skipped that period of his life to become a multimillionaire. Fine. He gets a free pass on that. Sadly, the foolishness doesn't stop there.


The breaking point for me was when he announced that his dog, Toaster, had a Twitter account. Then, he re-tweeted each of Toaster's tweets. Every picture Kevin posted seemed to have a Toaster theme. This is the sort of character I would expect of a teenage girl. Come on, buddy. What happened? Get a pair, would'ja? It's because of all of this, I unfollowed Kevin on both Twitter and Instagram. And I am fully aware that none of this matters to anyone else. 


Sure, he's allowed to do what he wants within his companies and Twitter accounts, but I don't like this child version of Kevin. I miss the guy who has carved his own way, being an inspiration to many, being geeky yet very classy at the same time, all while keeping his personal life somewhat personal. Kevin, this part of you fades away with 2010.


2010 response: Disappointment and unfollowing.


2011 response: Acceptance and hope that he gets his shit together.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VI

"Hilarious"

Louis C.K. Pretty funny.

No, not the Louis C.K. movie, but the usage of the word. Usually, when you listen to people tell stories about a funny thing that happened at ... actually, I forget where it happened, but something happened that was hilarious, but hardly a laugh is had while telling the events which occurred. This is also a word used in response given after listening to a funny (at best) story. Again, by the respondent, boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter there is not . The problem is that if something is actually so funny that people enter a state of hilarity, 
it would be nearly impossible to actually
utter any four syllable word.


I'm not trying to be clever or ironic by saying this, but I take comedy seriously. If I say something funny or entertaining, I don't want to hear "that's hilarious" unless tears, absence of breath, and side-splitting laughter is also involved. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being pandered to. Don't get confused though. Of course the word should still be used, but let's not cheapen that which is truly hilarious.


2010 response: I've actually abused this word plenty. Also, "Well, I don't know about 'hilarious'..."


2011 response: Properly use the word as well as petition Louis C.K to name his stand-up special "Pretty Funny".

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part III-V

Duck Face, Deuce-Chucking, and High-Angle Pictures

These three phauxto pas (faux pas + photo...no?) are inseparable. With the craze of Myspace sweeping the world and digital cameras becoming readily available to the masses, a triage of digital stupidity was born. It'll be great to see these things die when 2010 expires.


Duck Face
Ladies, you're already pretty enough without having to subject yourself to pursing your lips to the extreme at which you look like you have a duck's bill attached to your face. Secondly, and this may come as a shock to you, guys don't care about your lips. We don't for the most part. And if we ever mention a gal's lips, it is 100% of the time associated with a particular activity. No, not kissing, but the other one. That's the message you really want to convey? Then don't be so prudish when the topic comes up. (No pun.)


Guys, if you're doing this, the same goes for you. Sure, you're pretty enough not to have to subject yourself to jutting our your lips like a cartoon, but I was talking about the second point I made above. You are sending that message out to other guys. If that upsets you, stop pulling that ridiculous face.


Deuce-Chucking
Extending the second and third digits and keeping the finger tips pointed upward, flexing the remaining three, while showing the palm side of the hand once stood for peace or victory here in the US. Keeping the same finger posture, exposing the dorsum of the hand while rotating it medially now stands for douchebag. Stop. Just stop it. There is no message there. If you're trying to show that you're having a good time and you are with some cool people, we get it. We can see your sideways hat, sunglasses indoors, and beer pong or flip cup game in the picture, too. Admit it. You saw someone else do that and you wanted your MySpace / Facebook pictures to be popular, too. 


Sadly, to at least one person, throwing up deuces is awesome enough to tattoo on yourself. Twice.


High-Angle Pictures

You think you're either being artsy, fooling people, or both. 








You aren't.




2010 response: Ridicule, insulting, and self-removal from MySpace and Facebook.


2011 response: Ignore and continue being removed from MySpace and Facebook.