As promised, a book update.

I know you folks have been clamoring to find out what this book I've written is about. So, rather than keeping everyone in complete suspense, I'll let out a little more information. But don't be upset if I don't answer all of the hundreds of questions you must have. The complete version will be at your disposal very soon.


The tiny hint: This book will make your life better. I promise.


There it is. Now you have a little insight into what you can expect very soon. And with that, have a happy new year. Be safe and take care.

Much love.


P.S. It's written "New Year's Eve". Please mind the rules of apostrophes. If you don't, you'll be fined and have to pay the apostro-fees.

My book.

A New Project

I've taken the time to write a book. It's my first book. Well, I say book but it's completely digital. Yep. It's all zeros and ones.

I'll be publishing it in it's entirety on this blog come January. I hope to have it well received, but that really depends on you the reader.

Any guesses on the subject matter? Go ahead, guess.

WRONG!

Keep checking this blog for updates. I may be tempted to have a few things leak here and there.

Merry Christmas Eve.

JM

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XXIII: The Finale

Before I wrap up this ranting and raving with the final item on my list of loathsome social practices, I would like to first put things into perspective. This list I've created of all the things that will, as far as I'm concerned, expire at the end of this year isn't about suggesting a higher social status for myself or some sort of implication of elitism on my part. Additionally, this hasn't been an exercise in negativity or animosity. Sure, things bother me in special ways that few others can relate but I never thought that separated me from "common" people. If anything, I would imagine this lowered my status and increased the difficulty of my universal acceptance. So, rather than rambling on about what the point of this whole public exercise isn't, how about I remove the shroud to expose the true meaning of these blog posts?

Festivus. It's becoming very popular these days to celebrate December 23rd by exclaiming "Happy Festivus!" In fact, as this is being composed, festivus is a trending topic on Twitter.  But there is more to the alt-holiday Festivus. For instance, there is the Airing of Grievances. This year, I decided to air my grievances through this blog. And once I complete and post this final entry of my grievances, Festivus can begin and everyone can await the beginning of a very happy, peaceful New Year.

I don't know if there was any adieu from the start, but just in case there was, let's not further it any longer. The final item, please.

"Dane Cook is not funny."


He isn't. Accept that as fact. Of course, I fell in the trap as millions of others have. I thought he was clever and funny. As it turns out, he's an over-actor and a joke thief. He steals jokes! On top of all of that, he runs his material into the ground. Watch him on the nighttime talk shows. Night after night, he panders to the audience in a very childish way, tells obvious lies and fabricated stories, and repeats the same drivel again and again. Want proof of this stuff? I have it. I can proove he has stolen material from other famous comedians. Pleural, folks. Comedians. I have video clips of Dane acting like a clown on TV. Adding fuel to this fire is how he's just a dick. Just watch "Tourgasm" again. (If you can.) Watch him set up his friends to fail while making him look good. Watch him piss and moan about things that he doesn't like, the whiney bitch. I'm surprised that this font color hasn't turned red by sensing my disgust and anger.

The only way I could consider him as funny and/or clever is that he played a huge joke on America. He trickey-tricked us into thinking he was a fun-funny-fun-fun guy. A CO-median, if you will. (It hurts to even think of his voice as I try to type as he would.)  So, this is it. Dane Cook, I have grievances with you! And I must air them!

People, stop laughing at Dane Cook's jokes. If he didn't steal them, I highly doubt what he's saying in an actual joke. It's some exaggerated, fictitious, acted-out story filled with gyrations and sound effects. It's time to band together and fight this atrocity against comedy.

2010 response: I started fighting against the "Dane Train" and proving to people who this guy really is.
2011 response: I will never back down from proving to people that Dane is a hack. I'll have proof waiting on my phone for the ignorant to listen to. This madness has to end.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XVIII - XXII

Here are just a few more saying that irk me. Some more than others, but that will all be a thing of the past. 2011 is going to be a very good year for my ears.

This is Part Two

"Get in the HOLE!"

I don't watch golf. And I don't believe anyone actually does outside of patrons of restaurants and bars. However, I do believe people to have televised golf playing while they nap. And why not? You'll be out like a light as soon as you turn on the PGA.....


Sorry, I seemed to have dozed off there for a second. Back to the typing.


If I ever hear someone say "Get in the hole!" following teeing off while playing, watching golf on TV or in person I will hit them. Such an event has never happened. But if it ever does....

2010 response:  No response. The closest I've ever been to someone say that is in my chair while watching "SportsCenter".

2011 response: Fisticuffs. 

"Simular"

Nope. That's not a typo. And if you haven't caught the error yet, be concerned. I am hearing people say "simular" more and more these days. People, the word is SIMILAR. You don't have to support me in all of my opinions or grievances, but please help me with this one. Stop letting people propitiate this simple mistake. To me, this is the spoken equivalent of watching "Pink Flamingos". It pains me. Deeply.

2010 response: Cringing.

2011 response: I will correct everyone I hear say "simular" unless I am getting paid not to do so. 

"I just threw up in my mouth."


First off, that's just gross. Go brush your teeth, sicko. When you get back, we'll talk about why you have to be disgusting in public. Oh, you weren't serious? You didn't actually mean it? I see. Well, "Dodgeball" came out in 2004. Don't tell me. You're kind of a big deal and you have many leather bound books, too. I thought so.


2010 response: I didn't do anything. Honestly, it doesn't bother me too much. It's just time to move on. It's been six years.


2011 response: I'll have pamphlets on the ready which discuss GERD in detail so as to help someone with their affliction.

"I'm not going to lie..."


When someone says this to me, I can't help but think that everything they said before without first prefacing that they indeed were not lying to me could possibly be a lie. Luckily, I am hearing this less often now. This could be due to the distinct possibility that I could actually be difficult to engage in conversation with.


Nah...


2010 response: "You're not? Oh, good." , "What about all the other things you said before?", or some other smart assed response.


2011 response: I may just disagree with the the person before they even finish their sentence. That, or I may just reply, "I might lie to you but..."

And the one that will be the hardest for me to alter my response...

"Literally"

I'm not going to quote a dictionary just to copy/paste the actual, LITERAL definition of the word. Everyone has access to the dictionary.com or the old fashioned version-an actual dictionary. 


This word should be used to establish a truth in an almost unbelievable situation. It should be used to ensure the listener or reader that although the circumstances may seem hyperbolic, it is quite the opposite. So saying you were literally just sitting there is overstating the obvious. I can't go in to how often 'literally' is used incorrectly. Thinking about this topic drains me. 


Also, if you are going to say the word make sure you pronounce the 't'. It isn't 'lideral'.


2010 response: I would comment whether or not the word was used properly.


2011 response: I'm giving it up. No more corrections or comments. If I hear it used incorrectly, I'll just pay attention less.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XIII-XVII

This is a short list of sayings that should be retired as of 1 January 2011. It seemed more appropriate to combine them under one heading, "common useless sayings". But make no mistake, I despise each of them enough to warrant a separate post for each. In the interest of simplicity, they have been lumped together in two posts for your convenience.

Part One

"I know, right?" or "I know. Right?"

Regardless of which way it's written, the common expression grates on my nerves in a very unique way. When I hear it, I can't help but to think of some vapid, thoughtless blonde who wears matching outfits with her mini-Labradoodle. It turns my stomach even more when I hear a man say it. It's the vocal equivalent of a dead fish handshake. It just sounds sissy-like.

To answer your question, yes. I do know. That's why I said it. Thanks for taking the time to really consider what I was talking about and form a conclusion which is both in agreement with me as well as thought-provoking. I know, right? Please.

2010 response: "Yes, right. That's what I just said."

2011 response: Undecided. I don't want to pretend that I didn't hear the trite phrase. I'll have to think of something.

"FML"

Let's just say that if you're typing a complaint into your phone or on a computer, either of which being connected to the Internet, and end the complaint with "FML", odds are that you are experiencing what is called a 'First-World Problem'. I would venture to guess that what ever this world-ending crisis is that you are currently experiencing shouldn't be summed up with "fuck my life". I highly doubt it's that big of a deal. This isn't to suggest that we can't experience such moments here in the US of A. But if this tragedy is on par with any of the scenarios in Alanis Morissette's "Ironic", you'll be okay. So, relax. You're so-called fucked life will right itself within the hour.

2010 response: I just ignored it.

2011 response: "God! That's just awful. How on Earth do you cope?" Or something silly like that.

"No worries."

Simple. You aren't Australian. So, quit it.

2010 response: "Yeah, mate."

2011 response: "Good on-ya!" Sure, I'm just trading a hand for a glove with this one, but I don't care. Oh swells...

"Bitches!"

Ladies, I need some help with this one. If you're one to care about achieving any level of equality or respect that you may assume your male counterparts have, stop allowing "bitches" to fall at the end of so many sentences that it almost seems like an accepted form of punctuation. And if you are one to be prone to saying such a thing, how's your mini-Labradoodle?

2010 response: I did nothing.

2011 response: I may just ask those gals why they like to be called a bitch. Or I'll ask about their toy dog. This isn't completely sorted out just yet.

"I hate drama." and "I'm a laid-back person."

If you have said one or both of these phrases, you are a liar. No person I have ever thought of as being laid-back has ever had to tell me so. Also, I've never known someone to say that they hated drama and not find out they alone were the sole cause of the vast majority of their life's drama.

2010 response: I just kept listening to the lies.

2011 response: I think I'll just overly agree with people who say this. But it's likely I won't encounter any of these situations because I really hate drama and that stuff really makes me unlaid-back. Uh...wait a second.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XII

Not BCC-ing in Email

Sadly, it is universally understood that family members do not know how to properly use email. This isn't new. I'm not talking about how to check email. For that, there is the Presto Email Printer. Problem solved. I'm talking about something far worse. Receiving forwards, maybe? Nope. Of course that isn't what bugs me the most. As stated in the title, it's when people don't utilize the BCC option in every available email service for its intended use, privacy.

Getting constant forwards from each and every relative no matter how distant the kinship is bad enough on its own. But to make matters worse, my email address-along with scores more-gets snatched up by more distant relatives. To make matters even worse, people I don't even know now have my email address adding more crap to the clutter. This has to stop. We are living in the future now. It's time we put an end to people abusing technology. Look at it another way:
If you saw someone using a stylus on
their mobile phone, would you not do
anything to help?

2010 response: I accepted the abuse.

2011 response: I will teach those who do not utilize the BCC
option for its intended use how to do so politely and effectively via email.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XI

"That's like that episode of Family Guy when..."


It's easy to say that anything is just like something that happened on "Family Guy". Not because the show is so clever or well written, rather because it's a cartoon. It's fiction. The writers and animators can just make up anything. But it seems more commonplace to hear someone relating their actual life or reality to a cartoon.

I understand that this happened with "The Simpsons" and "South Park" too and now it's just time for the next animated successor to be the resource of material in conversation.

Even though in my opinion, the show has gotten lazy over the years, I'm not against the show. I am against people having a shortage of references. A cartoon shouldn't be the go-to topic of conversation or source of reference when in discussion. There is more out there than a 6-minute long battle between Peter and a human-sized chicken.

2010 response: Constrained annoyance after the fifth mention of the show from a single person in a single day.

2011 response: I won't care anymore. Tell me everything about Peter and the crazy things Stewie does.