As promised, a book update.

I know you folks have been clamoring to find out what this book I've written is about. So, rather than keeping everyone in complete suspense, I'll let out a little more information. But don't be upset if I don't answer all of the hundreds of questions you must have. The complete version will be at your disposal very soon.


The tiny hint: This book will make your life better. I promise.


There it is. Now you have a little insight into what you can expect very soon. And with that, have a happy new year. Be safe and take care.

Much love.


P.S. It's written "New Year's Eve". Please mind the rules of apostrophes. If you don't, you'll be fined and have to pay the apostro-fees.

My book.

A New Project

I've taken the time to write a book. It's my first book. Well, I say book but it's completely digital. Yep. It's all zeros and ones.

I'll be publishing it in it's entirety on this blog come January. I hope to have it well received, but that really depends on you the reader.

Any guesses on the subject matter? Go ahead, guess.

WRONG!

Keep checking this blog for updates. I may be tempted to have a few things leak here and there.

Merry Christmas Eve.

JM

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XXIII: The Finale

Before I wrap up this ranting and raving with the final item on my list of loathsome social practices, I would like to first put things into perspective. This list I've created of all the things that will, as far as I'm concerned, expire at the end of this year isn't about suggesting a higher social status for myself or some sort of implication of elitism on my part. Additionally, this hasn't been an exercise in negativity or animosity. Sure, things bother me in special ways that few others can relate but I never thought that separated me from "common" people. If anything, I would imagine this lowered my status and increased the difficulty of my universal acceptance. So, rather than rambling on about what the point of this whole public exercise isn't, how about I remove the shroud to expose the true meaning of these blog posts?

Festivus. It's becoming very popular these days to celebrate December 23rd by exclaiming "Happy Festivus!" In fact, as this is being composed, festivus is a trending topic on Twitter.  But there is more to the alt-holiday Festivus. For instance, there is the Airing of Grievances. This year, I decided to air my grievances through this blog. And once I complete and post this final entry of my grievances, Festivus can begin and everyone can await the beginning of a very happy, peaceful New Year.

I don't know if there was any adieu from the start, but just in case there was, let's not further it any longer. The final item, please.

"Dane Cook is not funny."


He isn't. Accept that as fact. Of course, I fell in the trap as millions of others have. I thought he was clever and funny. As it turns out, he's an over-actor and a joke thief. He steals jokes! On top of all of that, he runs his material into the ground. Watch him on the nighttime talk shows. Night after night, he panders to the audience in a very childish way, tells obvious lies and fabricated stories, and repeats the same drivel again and again. Want proof of this stuff? I have it. I can proove he has stolen material from other famous comedians. Pleural, folks. Comedians. I have video clips of Dane acting like a clown on TV. Adding fuel to this fire is how he's just a dick. Just watch "Tourgasm" again. (If you can.) Watch him set up his friends to fail while making him look good. Watch him piss and moan about things that he doesn't like, the whiney bitch. I'm surprised that this font color hasn't turned red by sensing my disgust and anger.

The only way I could consider him as funny and/or clever is that he played a huge joke on America. He trickey-tricked us into thinking he was a fun-funny-fun-fun guy. A CO-median, if you will. (It hurts to even think of his voice as I try to type as he would.)  So, this is it. Dane Cook, I have grievances with you! And I must air them!

People, stop laughing at Dane Cook's jokes. If he didn't steal them, I highly doubt what he's saying in an actual joke. It's some exaggerated, fictitious, acted-out story filled with gyrations and sound effects. It's time to band together and fight this atrocity against comedy.

2010 response: I started fighting against the "Dane Train" and proving to people who this guy really is.
2011 response: I will never back down from proving to people that Dane is a hack. I'll have proof waiting on my phone for the ignorant to listen to. This madness has to end.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XVIII - XXII

Here are just a few more saying that irk me. Some more than others, but that will all be a thing of the past. 2011 is going to be a very good year for my ears.

This is Part Two

"Get in the HOLE!"

I don't watch golf. And I don't believe anyone actually does outside of patrons of restaurants and bars. However, I do believe people to have televised golf playing while they nap. And why not? You'll be out like a light as soon as you turn on the PGA.....


Sorry, I seemed to have dozed off there for a second. Back to the typing.


If I ever hear someone say "Get in the hole!" following teeing off while playing, watching golf on TV or in person I will hit them. Such an event has never happened. But if it ever does....

2010 response:  No response. The closest I've ever been to someone say that is in my chair while watching "SportsCenter".

2011 response: Fisticuffs. 

"Simular"

Nope. That's not a typo. And if you haven't caught the error yet, be concerned. I am hearing people say "simular" more and more these days. People, the word is SIMILAR. You don't have to support me in all of my opinions or grievances, but please help me with this one. Stop letting people propitiate this simple mistake. To me, this is the spoken equivalent of watching "Pink Flamingos". It pains me. Deeply.

2010 response: Cringing.

2011 response: I will correct everyone I hear say "simular" unless I am getting paid not to do so. 

"I just threw up in my mouth."


First off, that's just gross. Go brush your teeth, sicko. When you get back, we'll talk about why you have to be disgusting in public. Oh, you weren't serious? You didn't actually mean it? I see. Well, "Dodgeball" came out in 2004. Don't tell me. You're kind of a big deal and you have many leather bound books, too. I thought so.


2010 response: I didn't do anything. Honestly, it doesn't bother me too much. It's just time to move on. It's been six years.


2011 response: I'll have pamphlets on the ready which discuss GERD in detail so as to help someone with their affliction.

"I'm not going to lie..."


When someone says this to me, I can't help but think that everything they said before without first prefacing that they indeed were not lying to me could possibly be a lie. Luckily, I am hearing this less often now. This could be due to the distinct possibility that I could actually be difficult to engage in conversation with.


Nah...


2010 response: "You're not? Oh, good." , "What about all the other things you said before?", or some other smart assed response.


2011 response: I may just disagree with the the person before they even finish their sentence. That, or I may just reply, "I might lie to you but..."

And the one that will be the hardest for me to alter my response...

"Literally"

I'm not going to quote a dictionary just to copy/paste the actual, LITERAL definition of the word. Everyone has access to the dictionary.com or the old fashioned version-an actual dictionary. 


This word should be used to establish a truth in an almost unbelievable situation. It should be used to ensure the listener or reader that although the circumstances may seem hyperbolic, it is quite the opposite. So saying you were literally just sitting there is overstating the obvious. I can't go in to how often 'literally' is used incorrectly. Thinking about this topic drains me. 


Also, if you are going to say the word make sure you pronounce the 't'. It isn't 'lideral'.


2010 response: I would comment whether or not the word was used properly.


2011 response: I'm giving it up. No more corrections or comments. If I hear it used incorrectly, I'll just pay attention less.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XIII-XVII

This is a short list of sayings that should be retired as of 1 January 2011. It seemed more appropriate to combine them under one heading, "common useless sayings". But make no mistake, I despise each of them enough to warrant a separate post for each. In the interest of simplicity, they have been lumped together in two posts for your convenience.

Part One

"I know, right?" or "I know. Right?"

Regardless of which way it's written, the common expression grates on my nerves in a very unique way. When I hear it, I can't help but to think of some vapid, thoughtless blonde who wears matching outfits with her mini-Labradoodle. It turns my stomach even more when I hear a man say it. It's the vocal equivalent of a dead fish handshake. It just sounds sissy-like.

To answer your question, yes. I do know. That's why I said it. Thanks for taking the time to really consider what I was talking about and form a conclusion which is both in agreement with me as well as thought-provoking. I know, right? Please.

2010 response: "Yes, right. That's what I just said."

2011 response: Undecided. I don't want to pretend that I didn't hear the trite phrase. I'll have to think of something.

"FML"

Let's just say that if you're typing a complaint into your phone or on a computer, either of which being connected to the Internet, and end the complaint with "FML", odds are that you are experiencing what is called a 'First-World Problem'. I would venture to guess that what ever this world-ending crisis is that you are currently experiencing shouldn't be summed up with "fuck my life". I highly doubt it's that big of a deal. This isn't to suggest that we can't experience such moments here in the US of A. But if this tragedy is on par with any of the scenarios in Alanis Morissette's "Ironic", you'll be okay. So, relax. You're so-called fucked life will right itself within the hour.

2010 response: I just ignored it.

2011 response: "God! That's just awful. How on Earth do you cope?" Or something silly like that.

"No worries."

Simple. You aren't Australian. So, quit it.

2010 response: "Yeah, mate."

2011 response: "Good on-ya!" Sure, I'm just trading a hand for a glove with this one, but I don't care. Oh swells...

"Bitches!"

Ladies, I need some help with this one. If you're one to care about achieving any level of equality or respect that you may assume your male counterparts have, stop allowing "bitches" to fall at the end of so many sentences that it almost seems like an accepted form of punctuation. And if you are one to be prone to saying such a thing, how's your mini-Labradoodle?

2010 response: I did nothing.

2011 response: I may just ask those gals why they like to be called a bitch. Or I'll ask about their toy dog. This isn't completely sorted out just yet.

"I hate drama." and "I'm a laid-back person."

If you have said one or both of these phrases, you are a liar. No person I have ever thought of as being laid-back has ever had to tell me so. Also, I've never known someone to say that they hated drama and not find out they alone were the sole cause of the vast majority of their life's drama.

2010 response: I just kept listening to the lies.

2011 response: I think I'll just overly agree with people who say this. But it's likely I won't encounter any of these situations because I really hate drama and that stuff really makes me unlaid-back. Uh...wait a second.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XII

Not BCC-ing in Email

Sadly, it is universally understood that family members do not know how to properly use email. This isn't new. I'm not talking about how to check email. For that, there is the Presto Email Printer. Problem solved. I'm talking about something far worse. Receiving forwards, maybe? Nope. Of course that isn't what bugs me the most. As stated in the title, it's when people don't utilize the BCC option in every available email service for its intended use, privacy.

Getting constant forwards from each and every relative no matter how distant the kinship is bad enough on its own. But to make matters worse, my email address-along with scores more-gets snatched up by more distant relatives. To make matters even worse, people I don't even know now have my email address adding more crap to the clutter. This has to stop. We are living in the future now. It's time we put an end to people abusing technology. Look at it another way:
If you saw someone using a stylus on
their mobile phone, would you not do
anything to help?

2010 response: I accepted the abuse.

2011 response: I will teach those who do not utilize the BCC
option for its intended use how to do so politely and effectively via email.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XI

"That's like that episode of Family Guy when..."


It's easy to say that anything is just like something that happened on "Family Guy". Not because the show is so clever or well written, rather because it's a cartoon. It's fiction. The writers and animators can just make up anything. But it seems more commonplace to hear someone relating their actual life or reality to a cartoon.

I understand that this happened with "The Simpsons" and "South Park" too and now it's just time for the next animated successor to be the resource of material in conversation.

Even though in my opinion, the show has gotten lazy over the years, I'm not against the show. I am against people having a shortage of references. A cartoon shouldn't be the go-to topic of conversation or source of reference when in discussion. There is more out there than a 6-minute long battle between Peter and a human-sized chicken.

2010 response: Constrained annoyance after the fifth mention of the show from a single person in a single day.

2011 response: I won't care anymore. Tell me everything about Peter and the crazy things Stewie does.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part X

Popped Collars

Just let it go, guys. It's time. It's actually well beyond its expiration date. Few things you say or do can possibly tell people more about you than being seen with your raised collar. And what you're telling people isn't good.

Of course, there are a few exceptions to raising one's collar. So, to help someone quickly decided whether or not they should have an erect collar, I made a flow chart. It's simple enough to follow.

My final point on this matter is that under no circumstances will it ever be acceptable to wear multiple collared shirts and have the collars raised. Not even on Halloween, not even as a joke, not even as a character in a play. Never. It's just too soon. Maybe in 20 years, we can remember the 2000s, but for now we just need to forget about all of this mess.

2010 response: I would lower the offender's collar or point out how ridiculous they look.

2011 response: I won't even be able to bring myself to engage in conversation with such a person. If they cannot take themselves seriously, why should I have to?

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part IX

Convoluted Handshakes


2010 marks the last year that I will willingly participate in silly handshaking. Multiple steps, snapping, rotations, gyrations, wiggles, waggles, and the the like are being shelved indefinitely. (Just to be clear, this is about handshakes only. The "Top Gun" or windmill high five is still happening.)

I miss the standard handshake. To me, it's a sign of decency and maybe even a window into the inner-workings of the person with whom I'm shaking hands. Furthermore, when pertaining to a male, I see it as manly. A proper, firm handshake is like a Zippo lighter, a pocketknife, a beard, or black coffee.

So, goodbye slick, cool, chill, bro-man handshakes. You're time is coming to an end. From here on out, it's proper handshakes only. Well, I suppose the
forearm grip / Beastmaster handshake is acceptable as well.

2010 response: I participated in convoluted handshaking.

2011 response: I will abruptly halt inappropriate handshaking.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VIII

"That's what she said."


Answer one question for me. Who is she?


You can't. She doesn't exist. There is no "she". And if a she did exist, she didn't say that. She would never say something like that.


The phrase is unoriginal, overused, juvenile, and just not clever. Responding to nearly any and all comments with "That's what she said" hasn't been funny for quite a while. In my opinion, it ranks up there with "I know you are, but what am I?", "Nuh-uh. You are.", and "You're mom." I think it's time we move on from dick jokes, too. All of this just takes no brain power to come up with. It makes for poor conversation.

Am I coming off as high-and-mighty? Well, I'm not. I grew up watching "Bevis and Butthead", but I also used to pull girl's ponytails and make armpit fart noises, too.  And yes, I love watching "The Office". But watching Michael get no response when he uses his favorite catch phrase is classic. It's a very subtle message the writers are sending out to America. "That's what she said" isn't funny anymore.

So, 2010, I hope you've enjoyed the TWSS run. But, it's all over come January 1, 2011.

2010 response: "Who is 'she' again?" "No she didn't."


2011 response: No reply. No smiling. No acknowledgment to the comment. Serious reconsideration of my relationship with the offender.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VII

Portions of Kevin Rose


Not actual portions of Kevin Rose, rather the sillier aspects of his public life. Let me explain. I'll make it short.


For a while now, I've looked up to Kevin for quite a few reasons. He was a kid working at TechTV making six figures then decided to start his own company. One company turned in to several. He became an angel investor in a few successful companies and an advisor in a few more companies. Podcasts, websites, educating people about tea, the fact he dated Sarah Lane, and several other things were strengths to the Rose empire. Then, he became a child.


It's been no secret that Rose enjoys beer nor is it hidden from the public eye that he enjoys making sport of beer swilling. We've all witnessed or participated in these games. The beer bottle bottom-to-top explosion game, chugging time trials, even Edward 40 Hands. All of this was supposed to happen while in college or at college age. Kevin's nearly 35. Enough already. But let's say that Rose skipped that period of his life to become a multimillionaire. Fine. He gets a free pass on that. Sadly, the foolishness doesn't stop there.


The breaking point for me was when he announced that his dog, Toaster, had a Twitter account. Then, he re-tweeted each of Toaster's tweets. Every picture Kevin posted seemed to have a Toaster theme. This is the sort of character I would expect of a teenage girl. Come on, buddy. What happened? Get a pair, would'ja? It's because of all of this, I unfollowed Kevin on both Twitter and Instagram. And I am fully aware that none of this matters to anyone else. 


Sure, he's allowed to do what he wants within his companies and Twitter accounts, but I don't like this child version of Kevin. I miss the guy who has carved his own way, being an inspiration to many, being geeky yet very classy at the same time, all while keeping his personal life somewhat personal. Kevin, this part of you fades away with 2010.


2010 response: Disappointment and unfollowing.


2011 response: Acceptance and hope that he gets his shit together.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VI

"Hilarious"

Louis C.K. Pretty funny.

No, not the Louis C.K. movie, but the usage of the word. Usually, when you listen to people tell stories about a funny thing that happened at ... actually, I forget where it happened, but something happened that was hilarious, but hardly a laugh is had while telling the events which occurred. This is also a word used in response given after listening to a funny (at best) story. Again, by the respondent, boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter there is not . The problem is that if something is actually so funny that people enter a state of hilarity, 
it would be nearly impossible to actually
utter any four syllable word.


I'm not trying to be clever or ironic by saying this, but I take comedy seriously. If I say something funny or entertaining, I don't want to hear "that's hilarious" unless tears, absence of breath, and side-splitting laughter is also involved. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being pandered to. Don't get confused though. Of course the word should still be used, but let's not cheapen that which is truly hilarious.


2010 response: I've actually abused this word plenty. Also, "Well, I don't know about 'hilarious'..."


2011 response: Properly use the word as well as petition Louis C.K to name his stand-up special "Pretty Funny".

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part III-V

Duck Face, Deuce-Chucking, and High-Angle Pictures

These three phauxto pas (faux pas + photo...no?) are inseparable. With the craze of Myspace sweeping the world and digital cameras becoming readily available to the masses, a triage of digital stupidity was born. It'll be great to see these things die when 2010 expires.


Duck Face
Ladies, you're already pretty enough without having to subject yourself to pursing your lips to the extreme at which you look like you have a duck's bill attached to your face. Secondly, and this may come as a shock to you, guys don't care about your lips. We don't for the most part. And if we ever mention a gal's lips, it is 100% of the time associated with a particular activity. No, not kissing, but the other one. That's the message you really want to convey? Then don't be so prudish when the topic comes up. (No pun.)


Guys, if you're doing this, the same goes for you. Sure, you're pretty enough not to have to subject yourself to jutting our your lips like a cartoon, but I was talking about the second point I made above. You are sending that message out to other guys. If that upsets you, stop pulling that ridiculous face.


Deuce-Chucking
Extending the second and third digits and keeping the finger tips pointed upward, flexing the remaining three, while showing the palm side of the hand once stood for peace or victory here in the US. Keeping the same finger posture, exposing the dorsum of the hand while rotating it medially now stands for douchebag. Stop. Just stop it. There is no message there. If you're trying to show that you're having a good time and you are with some cool people, we get it. We can see your sideways hat, sunglasses indoors, and beer pong or flip cup game in the picture, too. Admit it. You saw someone else do that and you wanted your MySpace / Facebook pictures to be popular, too. 


Sadly, to at least one person, throwing up deuces is awesome enough to tattoo on yourself. Twice.


High-Angle Pictures

You think you're either being artsy, fooling people, or both. 








You aren't.




2010 response: Ridicule, insulting, and self-removal from MySpace and Facebook.


2011 response: Ignore and continue being removed from MySpace and Facebook.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part II

Front-Tucked Shirts

The people who purposely don this atrocious and moronic guise of fraternity have no clue that tucking in their shirt only in the front is the fashion equivalent of the mullet: business in the front; party in the back. Are they trying to show off their plain brown or black belt with silver buckle, most likely purchased at The Buckle? Or is it the jewel-encrusted skull and crossbones buckle that doubles as a flask / lighter / bottle-opener that is meant to be the focus of attention? God forbid the buckle is a digital scrolling marquee! Let me let you in on a little secret, front-tuckers. You look like an idiot and no one cares about your belt.

How all of this started, I have no clue. But I do know that it dies with 2010.

2010 response: "Are you really that lazy?", "Did you forget about the
rest of your shirt?", or I would just untuck the tucked-in portion of the shirt.

2011 response: Pity.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part I

Preface:

For longer than I can remember, little things have bothered me more than any normal person would allow anything to bother them. These little things were catch phrases, fashion blunders, and idiosyncrasies; nothing big. As time went on, more things were added to my list of annoyances. Now, things are just out of hand. It's hard to function as a member of society in a polite and accommodating manner when all these nuances of day-to-day popular culture keep creeping into my brain and irritating the most primitive parts of my grey matter causing my vision to turn red and making by blood pressure to be in the neighborhood of 200/140.

So, I've decided to let go of all these things by the end of 2010.* Before I let them die with 2010, I've decided to make a list of them and explain why each one bothers me.

And so the list begins.


"Epic"

Now that our world is becoming a jumbled mess of communication by means of a broadband Internet connection, often in an anonymous or semi-anonymous setting, we have become overly exaggerative. I remember a time when everyday phenomena were measured incrementally. F'rinstance: neat, cool, awesome, unbelievable / lame, horrible, sucky, awful. Now-a-days it seems that everything is "Epic Win/Fail". Well, it isn't you overdramatic, anonymous nerds. "Epic" should only be used in the most extraordinary of events, both good and bad. I wouldn't consider an iPhone app having a few operational glitches an Epic Fail in the same way as taking home a pre/post-op transgender and having some romantic exchanges. And to make that senario even more "Epic", no alcohol would be involved. That's "Epic", friends.

2010 response: "How is that 'Epic'? Was it really so amazing? You've never seen anything this unbelievable?"

2011 response: "Epic? Okay."or completely ignored.


*By "let go" I mean that I won't cope with each loathsome quirk in the same way that I always have.


Update:


As it turns out, I'm not the only one to be bothered by the common usage of this word. Lake Superior State University has published a list of Banished Words for 2011. I'm glad there are others out there that are making an effort to make conversation more tolerable and intelligent in our future. Thanks, LSSU.

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today...

As 2010 comes to a close, a year in which I obtained three other very important certifications in the field of education and licensure, I felt it necessary to add one more title to my already impressive list of credentials: Ordained Minister. November 14, in the year of our Lord / Lords / lack of Lord(s), 5771 (Jewish calendar) / 2010 (Roman Catholic), marks the day I became an official ordained minister by way of the Universal Life Church Monastery.

If I had to guess, I would bet that you are wondering how I found the time to go through the rigors of becoming an ordained minister. Well, my friends, all I can say is that when I'm passionate enough about something I go headlong into it, full bore. I'm so passionate and dedicated to this field of study that while writing this blog post I became ordained again! See? This time I studied at the prestigious Open Ministry.

My intent isn't to come off as a braggart, my dear friends. Truthfully, I only want to rub your nose in my awesomeness a little. Maybe something close to 7%-10%. The remainder of my intent is to inspire you to achieve greatness, too. (Also, I'd like to marry a couple. I think that would be a great deal of fun.) So, go out there and make your dreams come true. Anything is possible, my flock, because we are all Children of the Universe.

Do the [De]Evolution

No matter to what extent that you agree with Darwin and his Theory of Evolution, to say that no such thing exists, even in a much more limited sense, is foolish. In other words, believing all life on this planet is as it was on the day of its creation is extremely myopic. That isn't to say that one must accept the notion that all life originated from a single celled organism which eventually lead to much more complex species. It is in this vein that I offer a theory that just as a creature can evolve to be more advanced and genetically stronger, the obverse is also possible.

In the Theory of Evolution, "survival of the fittest" is a phrase used to describe how a species passes on only the most useful of genetic information in order to advance future generations of the same species. Those members who posses inferior or weaker genetic traits, such as being slower, weaker in strength and immunity, less inventive, even less colorful or coordinated, either aren't chosen as mates or don't survive long enough to mate, thus not passing along their genetic make up. This effectively strengthens the available genes and in turn, strengthens the species. There is a downside to this, potentially. When a species advances so far beyond its surroundings, it eventually winds up at the top of the food chain in its ecosystem, or in the case of humans, at the top of the food chain all together. Due to the lack of predators and the increase in available food and safety, the idea of survival of the fittest no longer applies to man. Rather, "procreation for all" seems to be a better fit for our current situation. As a result, we have an endless supply of dummy-dunces who are perfect reality TV cast members.

This decline in genetic greatness is brilliantly portrayed in "Idiocracy". On the surface, the movie is a comedy. Look a little deeper and you can see the foreshadowing of a tragedy. Listen to people speak. Read the emails and texts you send and receive. Look around at the marquee signs as you drive through town. Can you see any evidence that we are, as a generation, becoming a little dim? The reduction of brainpower is gaining speed at an alarming rate. But, it doesn't have to.

Now, I don't mean to take a clandestine tone or berate the populous for not caring about the English language as much as I do, nor do I want to give anyone the impression that I am more important/vital/learned, etc...than anyone else. What I would like my point to be is a call to arms, so to speak. Let us not continue on this decline in intellectualism. Let's all read something, write something, create, discuss something. Anything.
                                                           There is still time to right the ship.

Hip to be Square

The card readers.

There seems to be a new trend in doing business. The era of being a huge, faceless conglomerate with plans of global domination and board members whose pockets swell with cash aren't coming to an end anytime soon...but there is something new on the horizon. The halcyon days of doing business face-to-face, standing by your word, and having no hidden agenda or costs aren't lost forever. In fact, I've noticed an upswing in good, honest businesses doing good, honest business. A great deal of these ventures are start-ups who have the freedom to set the goal of helping people first and being profitable second. One of my favorite of such businesses is Square.

Without rehashing all of the company's details, I'll briefly provide a synopsis: A man by the name of Jack Dorsey, who also had his hand founding another quite successful business called
Twitter, noticed a gap between an artist friend of his and customers. Jim McKelvey, the artist friend, was trying to sell some pieces but had to turn away potential buyers because he had no way to accept credit cards. The cost involved with owning, leasing, or renting a credit card reader alone can be a couple hundred dollars or more and that doesn't include the processing fees. This led Jack to the conclusion that people should have access to a credit card reader in a much more cost effective and less cumbersome fashion. Enter: Square.

Square fits into the headphone jack of iPhones, iPod Touches, iPads, and Android phones. After applying for a card reader, which involves providing some relevant personal data, and downloading the Square app to your respective device, you are ready to go. Well, almost. There is an approval period for your application as well as shipping time for your card reader. But after that, you will have a new world of financial independence opened for you. The best part of all of this is the app, the reader, the application process, the shipping, EVERYTHING is free. Square costs nothing to own. The only costs is 2.75% plus 15 cents per swiped transaction; .75% higher for keyed-in transactions. That's it.

App user interface.

Where I see this having a huge impact, beyond independent artists and street vendors having an increase in revenue, is giving 20-somethings the ability to strengthen their financial stability. Have you ever gone to lunch with someone who forgot their wallet and you had to pay for everything? I have. And sometimes I forgot or felt too awkward to say anything about being payed back or the friend didn't have cash on him to pay me back when he got back to his wallet. Another personal instance where I could have benefitted by having a Square card reader is when I was in Chiropractic school I designed and sold hoodies and shirts because I didn't like what the school was selling or the price at which they were selling it. I couldn't take credit cards and people forgot to bring cash with them next time they saw me. I lost out on several hundred dollars in sales because of this.* Now, as a Chiropractor, I'm able to see patients on house calls with no problem. No checks to write. No trips the the ATM. The patients just go to their pocketbooks or wallets, pick a card, and I swipe it. When a patient needs me to come to them, the last thing they need is more layers of complication. This allows
a whole new freedom for them as well as me. 


Everything about Square can be found on their site. They are completely transparent; nothing to hide. I've been nothing short of thrilled with my experience with using their product and services. It's because of their new way of doing business the old-fashioned way I can do my part in doing the same. I'm a new doctor who does old fashioned house calls because of Square. 

I encourage everyone to apply for a Square card reader and account. Whether you are someone with forgetful friends, an artist, in a band, a computer tech, a dog-walker, a babysitter, or sell things on Craigslist, your life will be simplified as a result of taking credit cards on your smart device.

*I wound up selling all but maybe 20 or so hoodies, but it took much longer and I had to lug several large, heavy boxes around as a result.


UPDATE: Last week I received an email from Square that my new, updated Square card reader was being shipped to me. After opening the package, I noticed the updates to this version included a glossy finish, rounded back, forward-angled reader head, and iPhone 4 connectivity resolve. While the older version reader worked perfectly for me, Square saw it fit to ship me another reader. This further proves that their business practices are outstanding. Thanks, Square. Thanks for everything.

Apple-Sider

It's closing in on a year ago that a major life change started to take place. What started out as a small tweaking of my day-to-day activities has wound up becoming a total life overhaul. I'm a completely different person now as a result. And to think, I spent years saying I'd never be one of those folks. Smug. Self righteous. Arrogant. Posh. Mac-ophiles.

Recounting the events which took place that eventually lead to me jumping out of Windows and into a sider of Apple's. (See what I did there? Sider/cider. Is this thing on?) I bought a Dell laptop when Vista first came out. Straight out of the box it was crap. The battery was garbage almost instantly. Slow doesn't even begin to describe the performance. And if you've ever used Vista, you know the constant interruptions and moodiness that OS incessantly provides its users. The only good that came of that was trading it for a wireless rig for a guitar.

My Dell desktop decided that one day it would greet me with an error screen. After researching the meaning of the error, I found that an IDE cable needed to be replaced. That's simple enough except my harddrive didn't have an IDE cable connection. Microsoft wasn't able to even update the error messages! But, thanks to Zero Cool, (or is it Acid Burn?), he worked through the mess and got it working again. Thanks again. You are a genius.

Despite all of that, I still had some love for Microsoft. Honestly, the only reason I tolerated these ever frequent interruptions in functionality was that 1) I don't know how to use Linux and 2) I didn't want to be one of those high and mighty Apple people who don't even use their machine to even 50% of its potential. So, I hung in there with Mr. Gates. But, there was a final blow and it came in the form of the Zune. Yes, I was one of the last few people still rocking his 30 G black brick of an MP3 player. And I was quite proud to have resisted the cursed click-wheel. I stuck in there even when one update caused the Zune software to play one song while displaying different album art and different song title and artist. For example, let's say I was listening to "Orion" from Metallica's Master of Puppets album. Well, Merle Haggard's album art was displayed, Jay-Z's "Renegade" was listed as the song playing and the song's artist would be AFI. My solution to this was to re-rip all of my CDs. I've had to do this twice. Annoying doesn't quite capture the emotion I was feeling. Seething is closer yet not quite fully descriptive.

The final straw came when I was running one day recently while listening to my Zune. The music stopped for a bit and I figured that it was just a song with a long, quiet intro. Nope. My Zune was skipping songs with a display message informing me that all the skipped songs couldn't be found. ENOUGH!

Even though I bought an iMac a few months ago, I wasn't opposed to using Microsoft's products here and there. In fact, I wanted to keep using my Zune until it finally just wore itself out. But the constant headache of having to coerce my technology to work finally took its toll. I've had enough. I'm finished with Microsoft products and I am weening myself off my Windows dependency bit by bit.

So, I've joined ranks with the elitists. I don't consider myself as one though. I just want my equipment to work. That's it. With that, I decided to sell my Zune and all the accompanying accessories on eBay. But before shipping it off, I made sure to fill it with 30 gigs of Keith and The Girl podcasts. I provided a little drawing and note to go along with the Zune for that personal touch. Coupled with becoming Windows-less, I had to rip all of my physical media. Again. This time wasn't as frustrating as times previous. Why? The answer is twofold: This time everything will work properly, as it is intended and I'm not ripping my Dane Cook CDs to my Mac. I have a different plan for them.

One of the several stacks of CDs to be ripped.

Zune, packaged with 30G of KATG.

Return to Arkansas: Part III-The Returning.

Bruster

It's somewhere in the neighborhood of hour ten or eleven of this westward journey of mine. "Keith and the Girl" have kept me company and awake throughout.  Bruster, who assumes the role of co-pilot, lies sleeping in the seat opposite waking only long enough to show that he's annoyed that he has to be so far away from me. If he had his druthers, he would be draped over my face. My bordem of driving on an interstate for so long finally reaches a precipice and I decided to take a scenic route of winding, twisting two-lane road to Viliona. A terrific friend offered, at my suggestion, to let me stay at his place for the night. And I couldn't be there soon enough.

Climbing out of that moving van around 2:00 or 2:30 brought not so subtle hints of my age along with it. I didn't care though. I was finally finished driving for the day. My buddy, we'll call Zero Cool, greeted me at the door, obviously sleepy and aware of the hour yet he was feigning cheeriness quite well. I was shown to my quarters and instantly passed out. Instantly, 7:30 rolled around and I was up and at 'em. After a shower, Zero Cool took me on an apartment hunting adventure. Driving all around Conway, we finally found a place for me to live. Skipping over some mundane details, we make our way back to his house. It was then that I realized that I didn't know where my new apartment was. We had a couple old fashioned LOLs about that. (On a side note: Bruster was kind enough to wreck Zero Cool's carpet by gnawing and pawing it from the floor. Again, I'm sorry about that.)

Study; left.

I was set to move in the following day. Luckily, I had another great friend who offered, again at my request, to help me unload my belongings. We'll call him Waltonius. Waltonius was pleased to help. We had a few drinks, some reminiscing, some conversation, and a little bit of guitar noodling. Helluva guy, that Waltonius.

Study; right.

Now, thanks to these great fellas, I am back in Arkansas ready to begin my new life. I really don't know what would have happened without Zero Cool and Waltonius chipping in and offering to help me. And for that, I offer my most  sincere and honest thanks. Thank you both.

Living room; panorama.

Return to Arkansas: Part II-Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee.

John "In'jun John" Thornhill (left)

So, picking up where I left of a while ago, I'm Westbound; leaving Georgia and entering Alabama. I had to meet a close friend of mine to deliver a gift which didn't arrive to me until after our graduation. Being Native American, he decided to make me wait for at least half an hour before he finally arrived. I guess this is his chosen method of passive agressive revenge for what my people did to his people. (I'd love to see what he does to someone who offers him a blanket.)

Following the gift exchange, wherein I was given this arrowhead which he, John, made himself, I once again started my journey back to Arkansas. Interstate 20 to Birmingham, then HWY 78 to Memphis. From there, Interstate 240 to I-55. Just long clips of slab with not much to stimulate the eyes. Nothing of any particular interest happens for this leg of the trip other than the stretch of road which is constantly under construction in Memphis, TN. Driving that moving van with a wagon attached through an area known for horrendous drivers with very narrow lanes which are surrounded by K-rails can be slightly nerve-racking. Thankfully, I made it through the war zone unscathed.

All my belongings.

Together, they're worth 25 cents.

Return to Arkansas: Part I-Georgia Exodus

It's been a while since I have had the time to update this widely popular blog of mine. Why? I've been busy, alright?

I've experienced the most change I've ever had in my life just within past month and a half. Moving back to Arkansas after being in Georgia for five years is one such change. I think I should start there.

It was a Monday morning, the last day I had the lease on my apartment, that I began moving back to Arkansas. A 14' Penske GMC box truck pulling my luxurious Buick Century on a tow dolly was my covered wagon in which I was to head West. (Think: Oregon Trail without the dysentery*.) As I loathe even the thought of moving, I have to say that the entire process was surprisingly easy. Luckily, I had a friend, (Drew; pictured below), who was kind enough to help out with the heavier, larger items. Then, he was kind enough to help with loading a few boxes here and there. "Many hands make light work." I think Snooki said that.

Mark "Mark IV" An"Drew" Johnson

Beginning with picking up the truck at 8:00 a.m., steady work had me fully loaded around 3:30 p.m. The final task was to load my car on to the tow dolly. Simple enough, right? Sure, unless the heavens open up and pour sheets of rain at a rate similar to that which Noah experienced. I've taken showers and been less soaked than I was after just two minutes in that downpour. The friend, I suppose we can all call him Drew now, who was helping me- or making damn sure that I left the state for good- said he hadn't been that drenched since he was in Cuba. Cuba! That is a communist, backward county that happens to be and island. An island of animals, yes, but an island nonetheless. And in such counties, apocalyptic rains happen with regular occurrence, most likely due to a constant smiting by God for their heathen ways. I think you got the picture by now. Moving on...

Drew seems to be able to only eat food which is set ablaze.

After the manly, fully saturated hug in the rain and fond farewells were exchanged between friends, we parted ways. I took a shower immediately afterward, even though I had already had a 20 minute outdoor water-logging. I quickly cleaned a few more things inside the apartment, handed in my keys, loaded the dog and began my trip around 4:45 p.m. Thankfully, the weather was steadily raining like piss was being poured out of a boot. Making things even better, I had to make a quick delivery which required me to leave the madness of rush hour interstate traffic just to reenter it 10 minutes later.

After all of that, I was finally ready for the next stop: Alabama.

*I've had dysentery. Let's just leave that story for another time.

Proofread, people!

I have all but given up hope that the citizens of the United States of America will once again care about the English language. Ending sentences with prepositions, improper use of who/whom, shorthand used in texting (even though most phones have full QWERTY keyboards), and several more bastardizations of this wonderful and confusing language have all been under my skin for a while, but I have decided to make peace with those minor infractions. But I haven't let everything off the hook. Not knowing the difference between your/you're [ex. You're ability to retain second grade grammar knowledge is astounding.], knowing when to use "my" or "I", [ex. Steve and I's new show is pure awesome sauce!], putting the dollar sign AFTER the numerical digits [ex. If your still looking for something fun to do in Poughkeepsie, bring you're friends and meet Tonya and I's friends at Slippy Wickets, only 5$ cover.], and a few other offenses will set forth a chain of reactions inside me which is very similar to what Bruce Banner struggles with on a nearly day-to-day basis. Knowing how to properly use each of these common words/phrases is elementary, but-believe it or not-this isn't the worst display of idiocy which exists. The worst thing to see is misinformation stated which could be easily fact-checked using Wikipedia! There's no excuse anymore. Google has answered every question asked. And to make things go from bad to worse, a writer actually confused Metallica and Megadeth. "Blasphemy!", I cry aloud. "Blasphemy!"

I was looking through this guitar book I was just given* when I noticed a very familiar guitar. It's Metallica's James Hetfield's ESP Truckster model. The first mistake is laughable. Obviously, the writer and some proofreader (assuming the book actually had a proofreader) has dyslexia confusing ESP and EPS. It's easy to find humor in brain disorders. But mixing Metallica and Megadeth, sir, is no laughing matter. There is no way in hell that this oversight can be excused. James in Megadeth? Just typing that sentence took 20 minutes. This is just wrong.

I'm giving you folks a first look at this before I send it along to Metallica and the book's publishing company. Why? I know that my massive amount of readers will help me in my quest to rake the people responsible for this appalling act over the coals. This just disgusts me to no end. But, it's still a pretty cool guitar.

*Yes, I was just given the book last week but it was intended as a Christmas gift...from my lady.