Proofread, people!

I have all but given up hope that the citizens of the United States of America will once again care about the English language. Ending sentences with prepositions, improper use of who/whom, shorthand used in texting (even though most phones have full QWERTY keyboards), and several more bastardizations of this wonderful and confusing language have all been under my skin for a while, but I have decided to make peace with those minor infractions. But I haven't let everything off the hook. Not knowing the difference between your/you're [ex. You're ability to retain second grade grammar knowledge is astounding.], knowing when to use "my" or "I", [ex. Steve and I's new show is pure awesome sauce!], putting the dollar sign AFTER the numerical digits [ex. If your still looking for something fun to do in Poughkeepsie, bring you're friends and meet Tonya and I's friends at Slippy Wickets, only 5$ cover.], and a few other offenses will set forth a chain of reactions inside me which is very similar to what Bruce Banner struggles with on a nearly day-to-day basis. Knowing how to properly use each of these common words/phrases is elementary, but-believe it or not-this isn't the worst display of idiocy which exists. The worst thing to see is misinformation stated which could be easily fact-checked using Wikipedia! There's no excuse anymore. Google has answered every question asked. And to make things go from bad to worse, a writer actually confused Metallica and Megadeth. "Blasphemy!", I cry aloud. "Blasphemy!"

I was looking through this guitar book I was just given* when I noticed a very familiar guitar. It's Metallica's James Hetfield's ESP Truckster model. The first mistake is laughable. Obviously, the writer and some proofreader (assuming the book actually had a proofreader) has dyslexia confusing ESP and EPS. It's easy to find humor in brain disorders. But mixing Metallica and Megadeth, sir, is no laughing matter. There is no way in hell that this oversight can be excused. James in Megadeth? Just typing that sentence took 20 minutes. This is just wrong.

I'm giving you folks a first look at this before I send it along to Metallica and the book's publishing company. Why? I know that my massive amount of readers will help me in my quest to rake the people responsible for this appalling act over the coals. This just disgusts me to no end. But, it's still a pretty cool guitar.

*Yes, I was just given the book last week but it was intended as a Christmas gift...from my lady.

10 years later...

People always say, "It doesn't feel like 10 years, does it?" Whether or not it does, the calendar says it has been. And just like trout, humans make their trek back to their place of birth-or at least where they graduated high school.

Way back when, I said I would never go to a reunion. All the people I would want to talk to, I already had frequent contact with anyhow. So, there wasn't much reason to go. Then, over the following decade, I slowly began to let go of my grudges. Surprisingly, I began to be a much happier person as a result. By the time I was made aware of this shindig, I was beyond excited. I almost couldn't wait to see my nearly 100 classmates, most of whom I hadn't seen or spoken to since graduation.

This past weekend I traveled back to Batesville for Southside High School's Class of 2ooo's reunion. The only instance of awkwardness occurred when I met up with a gal with whom I had a less-than-perfect ending. We looked like two dogs sniffing each other by the way we each looked at and listened to the other person just waiting for them to say something wrong. Once we sniffed out that everything was alright, we moved on with the pleasantries.

Even that moment included, the weekend was nothing less that amazing. Honestly, it was. Although only a handfull of my former classmates showed up, those who did made the weekend perfect. Chatting about everyone's new families, careers, and whatever else has happened over the years...well, I just don't have the words. It was just peachy.

Anyhow, the point of all this is to encourage you show up to your reunions. No matter what happened back then, everyone will be laughing about it now. Having a few hiccups in our reunion, I thought I would provide a few pointers to help with yours:

1. If you don't have children, rent one or two. You'll fit in much better.
2. Plan everything early.
3. Have door prizes for the night when the adults are out for drinks. Have the gifts donated by local business.
4. Have the date set in the Spring or Autumn. Arkansas is too humid and hot for Summer meetings.
5. Lighten up and have a blasty.

Our class song. "Wish You Were Here", Pink Floyd.

(I suggested "Nothing Else Matters" and lost by one vote. Thanks, LESLIE.

Five metal songs you don't know but should.

Metal. As far as music is concerned, the word is subjective. No one would ever mistake a song by Deep Purple for something by Slayer yet both bands fall in the musical genera, METAL. Heavy, Thrash, Black, Power, or Nu-well, not Nu-Metal; that's just crap-no matter what sub or even sub-subgenera the music falls in to, there's much to appreciate. Again, except for Nu-Metal, of course. For years now, there hasn't been much to talk about in the discussion of good tunes. I was so desperate at one point, I decided to listen to Fall Out Boy. Save one song of theirs, I'm overwhelming disgusted with myself for having been a fan. And so, with this drought of music with some real balls, I went back in time to discover the tunes of yesteryear that had the heaviness that I so craved.


Yes, these songs may sound a bit dated in sound quality as they were recored possibly before you were born. And worse than that, if you watched the music videos of a few of these songs, you could possible (and understandably) reject the music as a whole. So, get past all that, alright? And if you're worried about Satan creeping into your brain just from listening, stop. He's already there.


The Songs:


Dio: "Holy Diver"


Ignore the 10 minute interlude and move straight to the metal. For some reason, one of the key fathers of Heavy Metal, Ronny James Dio, decided it would be a good idea to add wind sounds before the song. To me, that doesn't really make sense, but then again, neither do the lyrics. So, the song is conceptually consistant and perfect. And rockin', too.


Iron Maiden: "The Trooper"
This lightning quick tune is one of the earliest face-melters. With galloping palm mutes, "The Trooper" chugs along laying waste to everything along its path, just like the cowboys in the video. And speaking of the video, the Brits had no idea how dated their wardrobe would be 30 years later. A word of caution: Iron Maiden and Bruce Dickinson are not responsible for any broken property caused by someone listening to their music or by Bruce's glass-shattering vocals.

Slayer: "South of Heaven"


Ah, the first hint of the Devil. Get passed it. It's just music. Anyhow, as it begins we are greeted by an ominous solo guitar which is finally met with its harmonious twin. Drums. Heavy, pounding drums. Then, a methodic chug-chug-chugging which eventually turns into a Blitzkrieg. Throughout the song, this on-and-off again pattern occurs. At the end, you're covered in sweat...at least you hope it's sweat.

Judas Preist: "Breaking the Law"

Let's get this out of the way, first: Rob Halford is gay. Now we can move on. Far less heavier than the song above, but the riffs don't lose points for the lack of weight. Look, it was 1980. That was nearly as heavy as it got then. And guess what. The song still holds strong today. It's a helluva lot closer to rock 'n' roll than Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me", which reached #1 Billboard status that year.

Slipknot: "Before I Forget"

No build up. No foreplay. This song takes flight from second 0:00. And for those who are unaware of this fact, "GO!" is shouted in a deep, guttural growl seventeen seconds from takeoff. This song is more of a march. Not like in high school football games. Rather, it's more like Sherman's March to the Sea-razing buildings and torching everything that's flammable.

If you've heard some or all of these songs, good. You're on the right path. If not, you've not strayed too far. I don't expect you to become a full-fledged metalhead just from these five songs. It just may not be your bag and that's okay. But the next time you need to blow off some steam, remember these songs as well as "Walk" by Pantera. 15 minutes later, you're back at peace with the world again.

The most versatile office supply.

"Sesame Street" was never that big a hit in my book. Not to bash the show or anything, but I didn't really care for it much. And in my adult life, I've only held on to a few gems from the program. In no certain order, the best of Sesame Street (as far as I am concerned) is as follows:

• Snuffaluffagus' name and eyelashes
• The "Near, Far" bit by Grover
• " 'C' is for Cookie"
• The Count's laugh and method of counting
• The Yip-Yips

By far, the Yip-Yips are the best thing the show ever produced. Also, it is their physical features which can be found in this, as of yet, unnamed item which is in every office across the county: the binder clip. I absolutely love them. No, not in the phoney, vapid, L

isa Frank, rainbow and unicorn sort of way that girls in their early twenties love to text, update their Facebook status, or couldn't live without the color hot pink. I love these things for real reasons. Let me explain.

It started out that I would use one as a money clip, as I no longer wanted to carry a wallet in my hip pocket. After several years of success with that, I've recently found a new use ; USB cable holders.

Keeping a tidy workspace is a constant challenge of mine and sorting out what to do with all the wires and cables has always plagued my Danny Tanner-esque clean crusade. Thankfully, these perfect little paper clamps helped make my life just a little easier...once again! I don't know why it took me so long to come across this idea. It's so simple.*

Whether I get a laugh from their silly looks when I think back to those puppets, avoid having a wallet like George Costanza, or my cables are stowed away yet easily accessible, the binder clip is there to assist.

*I'm sure I wasn't the first one to think of this either, so don't think I am starting something revolutionary here. I'm just slightly more jazzed about these little things than the average person.

Movie Spoofs: Pass/Fail

Some of the most quoted movies are comedies. (I've compiled the stats for this. Just read the bibliography of this post.) Be they satyre, goofy, slapstick...really any other type other than romantic, nearly everyone gets a kick out of comedy movies. But one specific type of comedy is the most polarized: Spoofs. "Airplane!" is one of my all time favorite movies as well as one of the most famous and influential spoofs. If you've not partaken in viewing this comedic masterpiece, you need to. And when you do, pay attention to everything-start to finish-or you will miss out on several nuances.

Anyhow, I revisited a movie I last watched when I live in Batesville. I forget who brought it over, but if I knew who it was, I would write them a thank you note. When I saw this movie for sale at a discount music store on Memorial Day, I snatched it up instantly. Enough stalling already. I'll just tell you the name of the film: "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist"

I laughed my ass off when I first watched this spoof nearly 10 years ago and the movie still holds strong today. I was rolling in the floor while watching it a decade later. "Wee-oooh-wee-ooh-wee!" It gets me every time.



The point of all this is to remark on how movie spoofs either crush or are completely painful to watch. For every "Young Frankenstein", "Airplane!", "Kung Pow", or "Blazing Saddles" there are a dozen other spoofs that butcher the genera. I won't even take the time to glorify those moves by naming any of them.

I know a few of the folks who read this were on Neeley Street with me when we watched this classic almost on a daily basis. If you couple of folks don't own this movie, buy it. If you haven't watched it in a while, do so. You won't be disappointed. While you're watching, just think of drawing in my coffee table book or being covered in blankets and watching your breath leave your mouth because there was no heat. There were plenty of good times there. Thanks for the times and thanks bringing over this movie.