As promised, a book update.

I know you folks have been clamoring to find out what this book I've written is about. So, rather than keeping everyone in complete suspense, I'll let out a little more information. But don't be upset if I don't answer all of the hundreds of questions you must have. The complete version will be at your disposal very soon.


The tiny hint: This book will make your life better. I promise.


There it is. Now you have a little insight into what you can expect very soon. And with that, have a happy new year. Be safe and take care.

Much love.


P.S. It's written "New Year's Eve". Please mind the rules of apostrophes. If you don't, you'll be fined and have to pay the apostro-fees.

My book.

A New Project

I've taken the time to write a book. It's my first book. Well, I say book but it's completely digital. Yep. It's all zeros and ones.

I'll be publishing it in it's entirety on this blog come January. I hope to have it well received, but that really depends on you the reader.

Any guesses on the subject matter? Go ahead, guess.

WRONG!

Keep checking this blog for updates. I may be tempted to have a few things leak here and there.

Merry Christmas Eve.

JM

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XXIII: The Finale

Before I wrap up this ranting and raving with the final item on my list of loathsome social practices, I would like to first put things into perspective. This list I've created of all the things that will, as far as I'm concerned, expire at the end of this year isn't about suggesting a higher social status for myself or some sort of implication of elitism on my part. Additionally, this hasn't been an exercise in negativity or animosity. Sure, things bother me in special ways that few others can relate but I never thought that separated me from "common" people. If anything, I would imagine this lowered my status and increased the difficulty of my universal acceptance. So, rather than rambling on about what the point of this whole public exercise isn't, how about I remove the shroud to expose the true meaning of these blog posts?

Festivus. It's becoming very popular these days to celebrate December 23rd by exclaiming "Happy Festivus!" In fact, as this is being composed, festivus is a trending topic on Twitter.  But there is more to the alt-holiday Festivus. For instance, there is the Airing of Grievances. This year, I decided to air my grievances through this blog. And once I complete and post this final entry of my grievances, Festivus can begin and everyone can await the beginning of a very happy, peaceful New Year.

I don't know if there was any adieu from the start, but just in case there was, let's not further it any longer. The final item, please.

"Dane Cook is not funny."


He isn't. Accept that as fact. Of course, I fell in the trap as millions of others have. I thought he was clever and funny. As it turns out, he's an over-actor and a joke thief. He steals jokes! On top of all of that, he runs his material into the ground. Watch him on the nighttime talk shows. Night after night, he panders to the audience in a very childish way, tells obvious lies and fabricated stories, and repeats the same drivel again and again. Want proof of this stuff? I have it. I can proove he has stolen material from other famous comedians. Pleural, folks. Comedians. I have video clips of Dane acting like a clown on TV. Adding fuel to this fire is how he's just a dick. Just watch "Tourgasm" again. (If you can.) Watch him set up his friends to fail while making him look good. Watch him piss and moan about things that he doesn't like, the whiney bitch. I'm surprised that this font color hasn't turned red by sensing my disgust and anger.

The only way I could consider him as funny and/or clever is that he played a huge joke on America. He trickey-tricked us into thinking he was a fun-funny-fun-fun guy. A CO-median, if you will. (It hurts to even think of his voice as I try to type as he would.)  So, this is it. Dane Cook, I have grievances with you! And I must air them!

People, stop laughing at Dane Cook's jokes. If he didn't steal them, I highly doubt what he's saying in an actual joke. It's some exaggerated, fictitious, acted-out story filled with gyrations and sound effects. It's time to band together and fight this atrocity against comedy.

2010 response: I started fighting against the "Dane Train" and proving to people who this guy really is.
2011 response: I will never back down from proving to people that Dane is a hack. I'll have proof waiting on my phone for the ignorant to listen to. This madness has to end.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XVIII - XXII

Here are just a few more saying that irk me. Some more than others, but that will all be a thing of the past. 2011 is going to be a very good year for my ears.

This is Part Two

"Get in the HOLE!"

I don't watch golf. And I don't believe anyone actually does outside of patrons of restaurants and bars. However, I do believe people to have televised golf playing while they nap. And why not? You'll be out like a light as soon as you turn on the PGA.....


Sorry, I seemed to have dozed off there for a second. Back to the typing.


If I ever hear someone say "Get in the hole!" following teeing off while playing, watching golf on TV or in person I will hit them. Such an event has never happened. But if it ever does....

2010 response:  No response. The closest I've ever been to someone say that is in my chair while watching "SportsCenter".

2011 response: Fisticuffs. 

"Simular"

Nope. That's not a typo. And if you haven't caught the error yet, be concerned. I am hearing people say "simular" more and more these days. People, the word is SIMILAR. You don't have to support me in all of my opinions or grievances, but please help me with this one. Stop letting people propitiate this simple mistake. To me, this is the spoken equivalent of watching "Pink Flamingos". It pains me. Deeply.

2010 response: Cringing.

2011 response: I will correct everyone I hear say "simular" unless I am getting paid not to do so. 

"I just threw up in my mouth."


First off, that's just gross. Go brush your teeth, sicko. When you get back, we'll talk about why you have to be disgusting in public. Oh, you weren't serious? You didn't actually mean it? I see. Well, "Dodgeball" came out in 2004. Don't tell me. You're kind of a big deal and you have many leather bound books, too. I thought so.


2010 response: I didn't do anything. Honestly, it doesn't bother me too much. It's just time to move on. It's been six years.


2011 response: I'll have pamphlets on the ready which discuss GERD in detail so as to help someone with their affliction.

"I'm not going to lie..."


When someone says this to me, I can't help but think that everything they said before without first prefacing that they indeed were not lying to me could possibly be a lie. Luckily, I am hearing this less often now. This could be due to the distinct possibility that I could actually be difficult to engage in conversation with.


Nah...


2010 response: "You're not? Oh, good." , "What about all the other things you said before?", or some other smart assed response.


2011 response: I may just disagree with the the person before they even finish their sentence. That, or I may just reply, "I might lie to you but..."

And the one that will be the hardest for me to alter my response...

"Literally"

I'm not going to quote a dictionary just to copy/paste the actual, LITERAL definition of the word. Everyone has access to the dictionary.com or the old fashioned version-an actual dictionary. 


This word should be used to establish a truth in an almost unbelievable situation. It should be used to ensure the listener or reader that although the circumstances may seem hyperbolic, it is quite the opposite. So saying you were literally just sitting there is overstating the obvious. I can't go in to how often 'literally' is used incorrectly. Thinking about this topic drains me. 


Also, if you are going to say the word make sure you pronounce the 't'. It isn't 'lideral'.


2010 response: I would comment whether or not the word was used properly.


2011 response: I'm giving it up. No more corrections or comments. If I hear it used incorrectly, I'll just pay attention less.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XIII-XVII

This is a short list of sayings that should be retired as of 1 January 2011. It seemed more appropriate to combine them under one heading, "common useless sayings". But make no mistake, I despise each of them enough to warrant a separate post for each. In the interest of simplicity, they have been lumped together in two posts for your convenience.

Part One

"I know, right?" or "I know. Right?"

Regardless of which way it's written, the common expression grates on my nerves in a very unique way. When I hear it, I can't help but to think of some vapid, thoughtless blonde who wears matching outfits with her mini-Labradoodle. It turns my stomach even more when I hear a man say it. It's the vocal equivalent of a dead fish handshake. It just sounds sissy-like.

To answer your question, yes. I do know. That's why I said it. Thanks for taking the time to really consider what I was talking about and form a conclusion which is both in agreement with me as well as thought-provoking. I know, right? Please.

2010 response: "Yes, right. That's what I just said."

2011 response: Undecided. I don't want to pretend that I didn't hear the trite phrase. I'll have to think of something.

"FML"

Let's just say that if you're typing a complaint into your phone or on a computer, either of which being connected to the Internet, and end the complaint with "FML", odds are that you are experiencing what is called a 'First-World Problem'. I would venture to guess that what ever this world-ending crisis is that you are currently experiencing shouldn't be summed up with "fuck my life". I highly doubt it's that big of a deal. This isn't to suggest that we can't experience such moments here in the US of A. But if this tragedy is on par with any of the scenarios in Alanis Morissette's "Ironic", you'll be okay. So, relax. You're so-called fucked life will right itself within the hour.

2010 response: I just ignored it.

2011 response: "God! That's just awful. How on Earth do you cope?" Or something silly like that.

"No worries."

Simple. You aren't Australian. So, quit it.

2010 response: "Yeah, mate."

2011 response: "Good on-ya!" Sure, I'm just trading a hand for a glove with this one, but I don't care. Oh swells...

"Bitches!"

Ladies, I need some help with this one. If you're one to care about achieving any level of equality or respect that you may assume your male counterparts have, stop allowing "bitches" to fall at the end of so many sentences that it almost seems like an accepted form of punctuation. And if you are one to be prone to saying such a thing, how's your mini-Labradoodle?

2010 response: I did nothing.

2011 response: I may just ask those gals why they like to be called a bitch. Or I'll ask about their toy dog. This isn't completely sorted out just yet.

"I hate drama." and "I'm a laid-back person."

If you have said one or both of these phrases, you are a liar. No person I have ever thought of as being laid-back has ever had to tell me so. Also, I've never known someone to say that they hated drama and not find out they alone were the sole cause of the vast majority of their life's drama.

2010 response: I just kept listening to the lies.

2011 response: I think I'll just overly agree with people who say this. But it's likely I won't encounter any of these situations because I really hate drama and that stuff really makes me unlaid-back. Uh...wait a second.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XII

Not BCC-ing in Email

Sadly, it is universally understood that family members do not know how to properly use email. This isn't new. I'm not talking about how to check email. For that, there is the Presto Email Printer. Problem solved. I'm talking about something far worse. Receiving forwards, maybe? Nope. Of course that isn't what bugs me the most. As stated in the title, it's when people don't utilize the BCC option in every available email service for its intended use, privacy.

Getting constant forwards from each and every relative no matter how distant the kinship is bad enough on its own. But to make matters worse, my email address-along with scores more-gets snatched up by more distant relatives. To make matters even worse, people I don't even know now have my email address adding more crap to the clutter. This has to stop. We are living in the future now. It's time we put an end to people abusing technology. Look at it another way:
If you saw someone using a stylus on
their mobile phone, would you not do
anything to help?

2010 response: I accepted the abuse.

2011 response: I will teach those who do not utilize the BCC
option for its intended use how to do so politely and effectively via email.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part XI

"That's like that episode of Family Guy when..."


It's easy to say that anything is just like something that happened on "Family Guy". Not because the show is so clever or well written, rather because it's a cartoon. It's fiction. The writers and animators can just make up anything. But it seems more commonplace to hear someone relating their actual life or reality to a cartoon.

I understand that this happened with "The Simpsons" and "South Park" too and now it's just time for the next animated successor to be the resource of material in conversation.

Even though in my opinion, the show has gotten lazy over the years, I'm not against the show. I am against people having a shortage of references. A cartoon shouldn't be the go-to topic of conversation or source of reference when in discussion. There is more out there than a 6-minute long battle between Peter and a human-sized chicken.

2010 response: Constrained annoyance after the fifth mention of the show from a single person in a single day.

2011 response: I won't care anymore. Tell me everything about Peter and the crazy things Stewie does.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part X

Popped Collars

Just let it go, guys. It's time. It's actually well beyond its expiration date. Few things you say or do can possibly tell people more about you than being seen with your raised collar. And what you're telling people isn't good.

Of course, there are a few exceptions to raising one's collar. So, to help someone quickly decided whether or not they should have an erect collar, I made a flow chart. It's simple enough to follow.

My final point on this matter is that under no circumstances will it ever be acceptable to wear multiple collared shirts and have the collars raised. Not even on Halloween, not even as a joke, not even as a character in a play. Never. It's just too soon. Maybe in 20 years, we can remember the 2000s, but for now we just need to forget about all of this mess.

2010 response: I would lower the offender's collar or point out how ridiculous they look.

2011 response: I won't even be able to bring myself to engage in conversation with such a person. If they cannot take themselves seriously, why should I have to?

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part IX

Convoluted Handshakes


2010 marks the last year that I will willingly participate in silly handshaking. Multiple steps, snapping, rotations, gyrations, wiggles, waggles, and the the like are being shelved indefinitely. (Just to be clear, this is about handshakes only. The "Top Gun" or windmill high five is still happening.)

I miss the standard handshake. To me, it's a sign of decency and maybe even a window into the inner-workings of the person with whom I'm shaking hands. Furthermore, when pertaining to a male, I see it as manly. A proper, firm handshake is like a Zippo lighter, a pocketknife, a beard, or black coffee.

So, goodbye slick, cool, chill, bro-man handshakes. You're time is coming to an end. From here on out, it's proper handshakes only. Well, I suppose the
forearm grip / Beastmaster handshake is acceptable as well.

2010 response: I participated in convoluted handshaking.

2011 response: I will abruptly halt inappropriate handshaking.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VIII

"That's what she said."


Answer one question for me. Who is she?


You can't. She doesn't exist. There is no "she". And if a she did exist, she didn't say that. She would never say something like that.


The phrase is unoriginal, overused, juvenile, and just not clever. Responding to nearly any and all comments with "That's what she said" hasn't been funny for quite a while. In my opinion, it ranks up there with "I know you are, but what am I?", "Nuh-uh. You are.", and "You're mom." I think it's time we move on from dick jokes, too. All of this just takes no brain power to come up with. It makes for poor conversation.

Am I coming off as high-and-mighty? Well, I'm not. I grew up watching "Bevis and Butthead", but I also used to pull girl's ponytails and make armpit fart noises, too.  And yes, I love watching "The Office". But watching Michael get no response when he uses his favorite catch phrase is classic. It's a very subtle message the writers are sending out to America. "That's what she said" isn't funny anymore.

So, 2010, I hope you've enjoyed the TWSS run. But, it's all over come January 1, 2011.

2010 response: "Who is 'she' again?" "No she didn't."


2011 response: No reply. No smiling. No acknowledgment to the comment. Serious reconsideration of my relationship with the offender.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VII

Portions of Kevin Rose


Not actual portions of Kevin Rose, rather the sillier aspects of his public life. Let me explain. I'll make it short.


For a while now, I've looked up to Kevin for quite a few reasons. He was a kid working at TechTV making six figures then decided to start his own company. One company turned in to several. He became an angel investor in a few successful companies and an advisor in a few more companies. Podcasts, websites, educating people about tea, the fact he dated Sarah Lane, and several other things were strengths to the Rose empire. Then, he became a child.


It's been no secret that Rose enjoys beer nor is it hidden from the public eye that he enjoys making sport of beer swilling. We've all witnessed or participated in these games. The beer bottle bottom-to-top explosion game, chugging time trials, even Edward 40 Hands. All of this was supposed to happen while in college or at college age. Kevin's nearly 35. Enough already. But let's say that Rose skipped that period of his life to become a multimillionaire. Fine. He gets a free pass on that. Sadly, the foolishness doesn't stop there.


The breaking point for me was when he announced that his dog, Toaster, had a Twitter account. Then, he re-tweeted each of Toaster's tweets. Every picture Kevin posted seemed to have a Toaster theme. This is the sort of character I would expect of a teenage girl. Come on, buddy. What happened? Get a pair, would'ja? It's because of all of this, I unfollowed Kevin on both Twitter and Instagram. And I am fully aware that none of this matters to anyone else. 


Sure, he's allowed to do what he wants within his companies and Twitter accounts, but I don't like this child version of Kevin. I miss the guy who has carved his own way, being an inspiration to many, being geeky yet very classy at the same time, all while keeping his personal life somewhat personal. Kevin, this part of you fades away with 2010.


2010 response: Disappointment and unfollowing.


2011 response: Acceptance and hope that he gets his shit together.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part VI

"Hilarious"

Louis C.K. Pretty funny.

No, not the Louis C.K. movie, but the usage of the word. Usually, when you listen to people tell stories about a funny thing that happened at ... actually, I forget where it happened, but something happened that was hilarious, but hardly a laugh is had while telling the events which occurred. This is also a word used in response given after listening to a funny (at best) story. Again, by the respondent, boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter there is not . The problem is that if something is actually so funny that people enter a state of hilarity, 
it would be nearly impossible to actually
utter any four syllable word.


I'm not trying to be clever or ironic by saying this, but I take comedy seriously. If I say something funny or entertaining, I don't want to hear "that's hilarious" unless tears, absence of breath, and side-splitting laughter is also involved. Otherwise, I feel like I'm being pandered to. Don't get confused though. Of course the word should still be used, but let's not cheapen that which is truly hilarious.


2010 response: I've actually abused this word plenty. Also, "Well, I don't know about 'hilarious'..."


2011 response: Properly use the word as well as petition Louis C.K to name his stand-up special "Pretty Funny".

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part III-V

Duck Face, Deuce-Chucking, and High-Angle Pictures

These three phauxto pas (faux pas + photo...no?) are inseparable. With the craze of Myspace sweeping the world and digital cameras becoming readily available to the masses, a triage of digital stupidity was born. It'll be great to see these things die when 2010 expires.


Duck Face
Ladies, you're already pretty enough without having to subject yourself to pursing your lips to the extreme at which you look like you have a duck's bill attached to your face. Secondly, and this may come as a shock to you, guys don't care about your lips. We don't for the most part. And if we ever mention a gal's lips, it is 100% of the time associated with a particular activity. No, not kissing, but the other one. That's the message you really want to convey? Then don't be so prudish when the topic comes up. (No pun.)


Guys, if you're doing this, the same goes for you. Sure, you're pretty enough not to have to subject yourself to jutting our your lips like a cartoon, but I was talking about the second point I made above. You are sending that message out to other guys. If that upsets you, stop pulling that ridiculous face.


Deuce-Chucking
Extending the second and third digits and keeping the finger tips pointed upward, flexing the remaining three, while showing the palm side of the hand once stood for peace or victory here in the US. Keeping the same finger posture, exposing the dorsum of the hand while rotating it medially now stands for douchebag. Stop. Just stop it. There is no message there. If you're trying to show that you're having a good time and you are with some cool people, we get it. We can see your sideways hat, sunglasses indoors, and beer pong or flip cup game in the picture, too. Admit it. You saw someone else do that and you wanted your MySpace / Facebook pictures to be popular, too. 


Sadly, to at least one person, throwing up deuces is awesome enough to tattoo on yourself. Twice.


High-Angle Pictures

You think you're either being artsy, fooling people, or both. 








You aren't.




2010 response: Ridicule, insulting, and self-removal from MySpace and Facebook.


2011 response: Ignore and continue being removed from MySpace and Facebook.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part II

Front-Tucked Shirts

The people who purposely don this atrocious and moronic guise of fraternity have no clue that tucking in their shirt only in the front is the fashion equivalent of the mullet: business in the front; party in the back. Are they trying to show off their plain brown or black belt with silver buckle, most likely purchased at The Buckle? Or is it the jewel-encrusted skull and crossbones buckle that doubles as a flask / lighter / bottle-opener that is meant to be the focus of attention? God forbid the buckle is a digital scrolling marquee! Let me let you in on a little secret, front-tuckers. You look like an idiot and no one cares about your belt.

How all of this started, I have no clue. But I do know that it dies with 2010.

2010 response: "Are you really that lazy?", "Did you forget about the
rest of your shirt?", or I would just untuck the tucked-in portion of the shirt.

2011 response: Pity.

The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part I

Preface:

For longer than I can remember, little things have bothered me more than any normal person would allow anything to bother them. These little things were catch phrases, fashion blunders, and idiosyncrasies; nothing big. As time went on, more things were added to my list of annoyances. Now, things are just out of hand. It's hard to function as a member of society in a polite and accommodating manner when all these nuances of day-to-day popular culture keep creeping into my brain and irritating the most primitive parts of my grey matter causing my vision to turn red and making by blood pressure to be in the neighborhood of 200/140.

So, I've decided to let go of all these things by the end of 2010.* Before I let them die with 2010, I've decided to make a list of them and explain why each one bothers me.

And so the list begins.


"Epic"

Now that our world is becoming a jumbled mess of communication by means of a broadband Internet connection, often in an anonymous or semi-anonymous setting, we have become overly exaggerative. I remember a time when everyday phenomena were measured incrementally. F'rinstance: neat, cool, awesome, unbelievable / lame, horrible, sucky, awful. Now-a-days it seems that everything is "Epic Win/Fail". Well, it isn't you overdramatic, anonymous nerds. "Epic" should only be used in the most extraordinary of events, both good and bad. I wouldn't consider an iPhone app having a few operational glitches an Epic Fail in the same way as taking home a pre/post-op transgender and having some romantic exchanges. And to make that senario even more "Epic", no alcohol would be involved. That's "Epic", friends.

2010 response: "How is that 'Epic'? Was it really so amazing? You've never seen anything this unbelievable?"

2011 response: "Epic? Okay."or completely ignored.


*By "let go" I mean that I won't cope with each loathsome quirk in the same way that I always have.


Update:


As it turns out, I'm not the only one to be bothered by the common usage of this word. Lake Superior State University has published a list of Banished Words for 2011. I'm glad there are others out there that are making an effort to make conversation more tolerable and intelligent in our future. Thanks, LSSU.