The (far less than) 100 Things that Disappear with 2010: Part I

Preface:

For longer than I can remember, little things have bothered me more than any normal person would allow anything to bother them. These little things were catch phrases, fashion blunders, and idiosyncrasies; nothing big. As time went on, more things were added to my list of annoyances. Now, things are just out of hand. It's hard to function as a member of society in a polite and accommodating manner when all these nuances of day-to-day popular culture keep creeping into my brain and irritating the most primitive parts of my grey matter causing my vision to turn red and making by blood pressure to be in the neighborhood of 200/140.

So, I've decided to let go of all these things by the end of 2010.* Before I let them die with 2010, I've decided to make a list of them and explain why each one bothers me.

And so the list begins.


"Epic"

Now that our world is becoming a jumbled mess of communication by means of a broadband Internet connection, often in an anonymous or semi-anonymous setting, we have become overly exaggerative. I remember a time when everyday phenomena were measured incrementally. F'rinstance: neat, cool, awesome, unbelievable / lame, horrible, sucky, awful. Now-a-days it seems that everything is "Epic Win/Fail". Well, it isn't you overdramatic, anonymous nerds. "Epic" should only be used in the most extraordinary of events, both good and bad. I wouldn't consider an iPhone app having a few operational glitches an Epic Fail in the same way as taking home a pre/post-op transgender and having some romantic exchanges. And to make that senario even more "Epic", no alcohol would be involved. That's "Epic", friends.

2010 response: "How is that 'Epic'? Was it really so amazing? You've never seen anything this unbelievable?"

2011 response: "Epic? Okay."or completely ignored.


*By "let go" I mean that I won't cope with each loathsome quirk in the same way that I always have.


Update:


As it turns out, I'm not the only one to be bothered by the common usage of this word. Lake Superior State University has published a list of Banished Words for 2011. I'm glad there are others out there that are making an effort to make conversation more tolerable and intelligent in our future. Thanks, LSSU.

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today...

As 2010 comes to a close, a year in which I obtained three other very important certifications in the field of education and licensure, I felt it necessary to add one more title to my already impressive list of credentials: Ordained Minister. November 14, in the year of our Lord / Lords / lack of Lord(s), 5771 (Jewish calendar) / 2010 (Roman Catholic), marks the day I became an official ordained minister by way of the Universal Life Church Monastery.

If I had to guess, I would bet that you are wondering how I found the time to go through the rigors of becoming an ordained minister. Well, my friends, all I can say is that when I'm passionate enough about something I go headlong into it, full bore. I'm so passionate and dedicated to this field of study that while writing this blog post I became ordained again! See? This time I studied at the prestigious Open Ministry.

My intent isn't to come off as a braggart, my dear friends. Truthfully, I only want to rub your nose in my awesomeness a little. Maybe something close to 7%-10%. The remainder of my intent is to inspire you to achieve greatness, too. (Also, I'd like to marry a couple. I think that would be a great deal of fun.) So, go out there and make your dreams come true. Anything is possible, my flock, because we are all Children of the Universe.

Do the [De]Evolution

No matter to what extent that you agree with Darwin and his Theory of Evolution, to say that no such thing exists, even in a much more limited sense, is foolish. In other words, believing all life on this planet is as it was on the day of its creation is extremely myopic. That isn't to say that one must accept the notion that all life originated from a single celled organism which eventually lead to much more complex species. It is in this vein that I offer a theory that just as a creature can evolve to be more advanced and genetically stronger, the obverse is also possible.

In the Theory of Evolution, "survival of the fittest" is a phrase used to describe how a species passes on only the most useful of genetic information in order to advance future generations of the same species. Those members who posses inferior or weaker genetic traits, such as being slower, weaker in strength and immunity, less inventive, even less colorful or coordinated, either aren't chosen as mates or don't survive long enough to mate, thus not passing along their genetic make up. This effectively strengthens the available genes and in turn, strengthens the species. There is a downside to this, potentially. When a species advances so far beyond its surroundings, it eventually winds up at the top of the food chain in its ecosystem, or in the case of humans, at the top of the food chain all together. Due to the lack of predators and the increase in available food and safety, the idea of survival of the fittest no longer applies to man. Rather, "procreation for all" seems to be a better fit for our current situation. As a result, we have an endless supply of dummy-dunces who are perfect reality TV cast members.

This decline in genetic greatness is brilliantly portrayed in "Idiocracy". On the surface, the movie is a comedy. Look a little deeper and you can see the foreshadowing of a tragedy. Listen to people speak. Read the emails and texts you send and receive. Look around at the marquee signs as you drive through town. Can you see any evidence that we are, as a generation, becoming a little dim? The reduction of brainpower is gaining speed at an alarming rate. But, it doesn't have to.

Now, I don't mean to take a clandestine tone or berate the populous for not caring about the English language as much as I do, nor do I want to give anyone the impression that I am more important/vital/learned, etc...than anyone else. What I would like my point to be is a call to arms, so to speak. Let us not continue on this decline in intellectualism. Let's all read something, write something, create, discuss something. Anything.
                                                           There is still time to right the ship.

Hip to be Square

The card readers.

There seems to be a new trend in doing business. The era of being a huge, faceless conglomerate with plans of global domination and board members whose pockets swell with cash aren't coming to an end anytime soon...but there is something new on the horizon. The halcyon days of doing business face-to-face, standing by your word, and having no hidden agenda or costs aren't lost forever. In fact, I've noticed an upswing in good, honest businesses doing good, honest business. A great deal of these ventures are start-ups who have the freedom to set the goal of helping people first and being profitable second. One of my favorite of such businesses is Square.

Without rehashing all of the company's details, I'll briefly provide a synopsis: A man by the name of Jack Dorsey, who also had his hand founding another quite successful business called
Twitter, noticed a gap between an artist friend of his and customers. Jim McKelvey, the artist friend, was trying to sell some pieces but had to turn away potential buyers because he had no way to accept credit cards. The cost involved with owning, leasing, or renting a credit card reader alone can be a couple hundred dollars or more and that doesn't include the processing fees. This led Jack to the conclusion that people should have access to a credit card reader in a much more cost effective and less cumbersome fashion. Enter: Square.

Square fits into the headphone jack of iPhones, iPod Touches, iPads, and Android phones. After applying for a card reader, which involves providing some relevant personal data, and downloading the Square app to your respective device, you are ready to go. Well, almost. There is an approval period for your application as well as shipping time for your card reader. But after that, you will have a new world of financial independence opened for you. The best part of all of this is the app, the reader, the application process, the shipping, EVERYTHING is free. Square costs nothing to own. The only costs is 2.75% plus 15 cents per swiped transaction; .75% higher for keyed-in transactions. That's it.

App user interface.

Where I see this having a huge impact, beyond independent artists and street vendors having an increase in revenue, is giving 20-somethings the ability to strengthen their financial stability. Have you ever gone to lunch with someone who forgot their wallet and you had to pay for everything? I have. And sometimes I forgot or felt too awkward to say anything about being payed back or the friend didn't have cash on him to pay me back when he got back to his wallet. Another personal instance where I could have benefitted by having a Square card reader is when I was in Chiropractic school I designed and sold hoodies and shirts because I didn't like what the school was selling or the price at which they were selling it. I couldn't take credit cards and people forgot to bring cash with them next time they saw me. I lost out on several hundred dollars in sales because of this.* Now, as a Chiropractor, I'm able to see patients on house calls with no problem. No checks to write. No trips the the ATM. The patients just go to their pocketbooks or wallets, pick a card, and I swipe it. When a patient needs me to come to them, the last thing they need is more layers of complication. This allows
a whole new freedom for them as well as me. 


Everything about Square can be found on their site. They are completely transparent; nothing to hide. I've been nothing short of thrilled with my experience with using their product and services. It's because of their new way of doing business the old-fashioned way I can do my part in doing the same. I'm a new doctor who does old fashioned house calls because of Square. 

I encourage everyone to apply for a Square card reader and account. Whether you are someone with forgetful friends, an artist, in a band, a computer tech, a dog-walker, a babysitter, or sell things on Craigslist, your life will be simplified as a result of taking credit cards on your smart device.

*I wound up selling all but maybe 20 or so hoodies, but it took much longer and I had to lug several large, heavy boxes around as a result.


UPDATE: Last week I received an email from Square that my new, updated Square card reader was being shipped to me. After opening the package, I noticed the updates to this version included a glossy finish, rounded back, forward-angled reader head, and iPhone 4 connectivity resolve. While the older version reader worked perfectly for me, Square saw it fit to ship me another reader. This further proves that their business practices are outstanding. Thanks, Square. Thanks for everything.

Apple-Sider

It's closing in on a year ago that a major life change started to take place. What started out as a small tweaking of my day-to-day activities has wound up becoming a total life overhaul. I'm a completely different person now as a result. And to think, I spent years saying I'd never be one of those folks. Smug. Self righteous. Arrogant. Posh. Mac-ophiles.

Recounting the events which took place that eventually lead to me jumping out of Windows and into a sider of Apple's. (See what I did there? Sider/cider. Is this thing on?) I bought a Dell laptop when Vista first came out. Straight out of the box it was crap. The battery was garbage almost instantly. Slow doesn't even begin to describe the performance. And if you've ever used Vista, you know the constant interruptions and moodiness that OS incessantly provides its users. The only good that came of that was trading it for a wireless rig for a guitar.

My Dell desktop decided that one day it would greet me with an error screen. After researching the meaning of the error, I found that an IDE cable needed to be replaced. That's simple enough except my harddrive didn't have an IDE cable connection. Microsoft wasn't able to even update the error messages! But, thanks to Zero Cool, (or is it Acid Burn?), he worked through the mess and got it working again. Thanks again. You are a genius.

Despite all of that, I still had some love for Microsoft. Honestly, the only reason I tolerated these ever frequent interruptions in functionality was that 1) I don't know how to use Linux and 2) I didn't want to be one of those high and mighty Apple people who don't even use their machine to even 50% of its potential. So, I hung in there with Mr. Gates. But, there was a final blow and it came in the form of the Zune. Yes, I was one of the last few people still rocking his 30 G black brick of an MP3 player. And I was quite proud to have resisted the cursed click-wheel. I stuck in there even when one update caused the Zune software to play one song while displaying different album art and different song title and artist. For example, let's say I was listening to "Orion" from Metallica's Master of Puppets album. Well, Merle Haggard's album art was displayed, Jay-Z's "Renegade" was listed as the song playing and the song's artist would be AFI. My solution to this was to re-rip all of my CDs. I've had to do this twice. Annoying doesn't quite capture the emotion I was feeling. Seething is closer yet not quite fully descriptive.

The final straw came when I was running one day recently while listening to my Zune. The music stopped for a bit and I figured that it was just a song with a long, quiet intro. Nope. My Zune was skipping songs with a display message informing me that all the skipped songs couldn't be found. ENOUGH!

Even though I bought an iMac a few months ago, I wasn't opposed to using Microsoft's products here and there. In fact, I wanted to keep using my Zune until it finally just wore itself out. But the constant headache of having to coerce my technology to work finally took its toll. I've had enough. I'm finished with Microsoft products and I am weening myself off my Windows dependency bit by bit.

So, I've joined ranks with the elitists. I don't consider myself as one though. I just want my equipment to work. That's it. With that, I decided to sell my Zune and all the accompanying accessories on eBay. But before shipping it off, I made sure to fill it with 30 gigs of Keith and The Girl podcasts. I provided a little drawing and note to go along with the Zune for that personal touch. Coupled with becoming Windows-less, I had to rip all of my physical media. Again. This time wasn't as frustrating as times previous. Why? The answer is twofold: This time everything will work properly, as it is intended and I'm not ripping my Dane Cook CDs to my Mac. I have a different plan for them.

One of the several stacks of CDs to be ripped.

Zune, packaged with 30G of KATG.

Return to Arkansas: Part III-The Returning.

Bruster

It's somewhere in the neighborhood of hour ten or eleven of this westward journey of mine. "Keith and the Girl" have kept me company and awake throughout.  Bruster, who assumes the role of co-pilot, lies sleeping in the seat opposite waking only long enough to show that he's annoyed that he has to be so far away from me. If he had his druthers, he would be draped over my face. My bordem of driving on an interstate for so long finally reaches a precipice and I decided to take a scenic route of winding, twisting two-lane road to Viliona. A terrific friend offered, at my suggestion, to let me stay at his place for the night. And I couldn't be there soon enough.

Climbing out of that moving van around 2:00 or 2:30 brought not so subtle hints of my age along with it. I didn't care though. I was finally finished driving for the day. My buddy, we'll call Zero Cool, greeted me at the door, obviously sleepy and aware of the hour yet he was feigning cheeriness quite well. I was shown to my quarters and instantly passed out. Instantly, 7:30 rolled around and I was up and at 'em. After a shower, Zero Cool took me on an apartment hunting adventure. Driving all around Conway, we finally found a place for me to live. Skipping over some mundane details, we make our way back to his house. It was then that I realized that I didn't know where my new apartment was. We had a couple old fashioned LOLs about that. (On a side note: Bruster was kind enough to wreck Zero Cool's carpet by gnawing and pawing it from the floor. Again, I'm sorry about that.)

Study; left.

I was set to move in the following day. Luckily, I had another great friend who offered, again at my request, to help me unload my belongings. We'll call him Waltonius. Waltonius was pleased to help. We had a few drinks, some reminiscing, some conversation, and a little bit of guitar noodling. Helluva guy, that Waltonius.

Study; right.

Now, thanks to these great fellas, I am back in Arkansas ready to begin my new life. I really don't know what would have happened without Zero Cool and Waltonius chipping in and offering to help me. And for that, I offer my most  sincere and honest thanks. Thank you both.

Living room; panorama.

Return to Arkansas: Part II-Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee.

John "In'jun John" Thornhill (left)

So, picking up where I left of a while ago, I'm Westbound; leaving Georgia and entering Alabama. I had to meet a close friend of mine to deliver a gift which didn't arrive to me until after our graduation. Being Native American, he decided to make me wait for at least half an hour before he finally arrived. I guess this is his chosen method of passive agressive revenge for what my people did to his people. (I'd love to see what he does to someone who offers him a blanket.)

Following the gift exchange, wherein I was given this arrowhead which he, John, made himself, I once again started my journey back to Arkansas. Interstate 20 to Birmingham, then HWY 78 to Memphis. From there, Interstate 240 to I-55. Just long clips of slab with not much to stimulate the eyes. Nothing of any particular interest happens for this leg of the trip other than the stretch of road which is constantly under construction in Memphis, TN. Driving that moving van with a wagon attached through an area known for horrendous drivers with very narrow lanes which are surrounded by K-rails can be slightly nerve-racking. Thankfully, I made it through the war zone unscathed.

All my belongings.

Together, they're worth 25 cents.